Our Buffalo Days

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T14:15:00.003-06:00

The months from September to December fly by. They are the best four months of the year for many reasons, but Christmas is definitely one of the big ones as to why I love these months so much. I start thinking about Christmas in September and my decorations are up in October.

As the years have gone by, though, my feelings about Christmas have changed. I still love it of course, but how I go about it has changed. It used to be about presents and how much I could give to my kids. I still enjoy giving gifts and love the looks on their faces when they get something they really wanted. But there is more now. Now, there is a sense of just being together that is so important to me. With two kids gone at colleges in opposite directions the majority of the year, I love to just have everyone home and together again. I focus on what our menus are going to be for Christmas Eve Eve, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day. I want to make sure we have family time aorund the table.

Last night, Christmas Eve, as I was putting our dinner of glazed spiral ham, rice, jello, rustic Italian bread, and corn on the table, I was feeling a little down. That morning we had ventured to a kitchen store in Uptown Minneapolis and I had seen many very nice things that I wanted for my kitchen. I was feeling sorry for myself that I had no money to buy some of these things. As I lamented some about this, my son said something that has haunted me since hearing it. "Well, my friends on Wacker Ave have been hoarding granola bars for weeks so they could have them for Christmas dinner." Ouch. My son lives in Chicago and the friends he was referring to are homeless people who he has gotten to know through ministry. They live in the parking ramp on that street. My heart broke the more I thought about what he had said. No one should have to eat just granola bars for dinner ever, let alone on Christmas. As I thought and thought about this, I realized how blessed I really am. I also realized how much I have lived for myself. I want to make a difference somehow. I know I am only one person and sometimes it seems senseless to even try to do something, but then I think of Mary Jo Copeland and what she started as just one person.

My prayer for the new year is that somehow God would show me how I can make a difference in the lives of those less fortunate than myself. I have no investment funds to start something but certainly have a willingness to be used by God to do something. God, please show me what it is you want me to do with my life that will serve those you love.

test post

2011-09-04T22:17:00.001-05:00

A test post to see if I was able to remove networked blogs from facebook.

On getting old

2011-08-23T16:59:00.002-05:00

I never really used to think much about it.

There was a time I thought it would never happen to me.

There was even a time when I was in major denial that it actually HAD happened to me.

"It" refers to growing old.

I can picture the scene in my mind like it happened yesterday. I was sitting on the swing attached to my backyard swingset. I was eight years old. My best friend and next door neighbor Mike was sitting on the bar that went across the legs of the swingset. This was a common scene at the time. Mike and I would sit there often, attempting to solve the world's problems. Or something like that. This particular day, our conversation centered on how old each of us would be in the year 2000. We calculated our ages and dreamed of flying cars like the Jetsons had on the cartoon show. Food would be in capsule form--I was very much looking forward to this as opposed to having to actually chew the vegetables I was forced to eat. That day, the year 2000 seemed SO far away.

Right. Each new sunrise and subsequent sunset led to another year which led to more sunrises and sunsets which led to more years...you get the picture. Now I look in the mirror and I realize I am old. No, I am not homebound and unable to get around by myself, but I am definitely not the young child I was that day when the year 2000 seemed like an eternity away.

On the swingset that day, I had visions of what my life would be as a young thirty-something when that much anticipated new millennium finally arrived. I *knew* I would be married and have kids and I *knew* I would be happy just being home with them. For the most part that is what has happened. Except I don't have that white house on the hill I always dreamed of nor do we have vacations or nice cars or money at all. In fact, at this very moment in time there is no money in our bank account. This makes me second guess if I did something wrong by fulfilling my dream of being a stay at home mom.

Part of me--a small part--says "Yes". I should have worked. After all, I worked hard for that college degree. I paid for college completely on my own (excpet textbooks which my parents gave me their credit card for) and I spent many late nights putting together projects and visual aids for my teaching assignments. I taught school for a very short time before leaving to stay home with my kids.

Another part of me says "No," I did not make the wrong decision. This part is definitely louder. I know my kids benefitted from having me home every day. They remember the cookies and cupcakes that would be waiting for them after school. They remember that when issues came up mom was home to help out. They remember that when traditional school just wasn't working for them, they didn't have to suck it up and stick it out...mom was there to homeschool them and give them what they needed as individuals...something a school just cannot do. I know--I taught school remember?

I loved being a stay at home mom and I still do. My youngest is now 16 years old. I could put her in school and go to work and make money. I should. We need it. But I really don't want to. I like doing dishes and planning meals and laundry and baking and cleaning and all the other things that come along with taking care of a home and a family. Yes, I love homeschooling my daughter. Do we butt heads? Oh yeah! More than I care to admit. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. I don't want to have to work...I want my work to be my family. I want to volunteer with my daughter at church and community things without having to work around a work schedule. Would I like extra money? Yes, who wouldn't? But I know in the long run extra money is going to burn and be destroyed. My family can live for eternity. I think it is a good investment. Will I complain if I *have* to work? No. Perhaps it is God's will for me to do so right now. I just hope not for I so love being home everyday.

self

2011-08-21T20:21:00.003-05:00

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others." (Philippians 2:3-4)

Everyday I am faced with situations in which I have to make a decision. I never thought about how often I make these decisions based on myself...what do I want to do, how will this affect me, how much of my time will this take, etc. For some things it would be important to consider these things. For example, when I make the everyday decision on what to wear, it would be important to consider my plans and where I would be going that day. But, in reality, I wonder if I really heeded the above verse, would my decisions sometimes be different?

As of late I have become more and more aware that this earth is not my home. I truly am just passing through and on to something so much better. The things that I do and accomplish here may or may not count for eternity. Since my goal is to please the One who died for me and has eternal rewards waiting for me, I should be concentrating on doing things here on earth that will count for eternity. I cannot do this when all my decisions are based on my comfort, my feelings, my time, my money and my well being.

I hope to be able to keep this perspective as I am faced with decisions big and small in the near future. Instead of looking to please myself I want to look to the interests of others thereby pleasing God instead of myself.

fear

2011-08-08T14:33:00.002-05:00

"Don't know where to begin, feels like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear,
Where do I go from here?
Sometimes it's so hard to pray, You seem so far away,
I'm ready to go where You want me to,
God I trust You.
There's a raging sea right in front of me,
Wants to pull me in, drag me to my knees."

I heard this song yesterday while riding home from a visit with my daughter. I have heard the song many times but yesterday the words struck me hard. You see, lately I have been struggling with fear.

How will we make the payments Mr. Well Rounded's college requires each month when we are already struggling?
How can I handle another child leaving the nest?
How can I drive to ____________ when I am so afraid of something happening?
How can I let Miss Bookworm get her license? What if something happens?
How can I work a job and homeschool? How can I even find a job?
How do I deal with a hurtful situation?

The list could go on. I have realized lately just how much fear I live in everyday. I told my husband last week that I could easily see myself succumbing to my fears and never leaving the house. I fret when I get in a car sometimes over what may happen.

Yet, God's Word clearly tells me not to fret--not to be afraid. My head knows that. My heart is struggling with it.

Then I heard this song...God I trust You. Do I? Do I really trust God to work all things for my good? I say I do but do I really? As I contemplated the words to the song, I realized for the first time how literally blessed I am because I am a child of God. He didn't have to choose me. He could have passed over me and chosen someone more worthy--someone who didn't worry so much or fret or fear so much, but He didn't. He allowed me to hear His voice calling me. I am incredibly thankful to God for that. The next part of the song?

"So let the waters rise if you want them to.
I will follow you. I will follow you.
I will swim in the deep, cause You'll be next to me.
You're in the eye of the storm in the calm of the sea.
You're never out of reach."

God's never out of reach. He never sleeps, vacations, abandons or lets down. As God said to Joshua, "Fear not. As I was with Moses so will I be with you."

Now, to get that into my heart and not just my head. Pressing on through the fear to what God has for me to do...

Me? Old?

2011-07-25T10:52:00.002-05:00

I looked in the mirror today. Of course, I do that everyday. Often this is done several times throughout the day. But this morning I was taken aback by what I saw looking back at me. There, in the mirror, staring back at me was an old lady. Seriously. An old needing-to-lose-some-weight lady. The gray in my hair seemed more pronounced than I remember from just the day before. My posture was that of someone old. Today, my mind set matched the reflection. It isn't always that way. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see what I feel...a young capable still-has-lots-of-life-left-in-her lady. Sometimes my mind forgets how old I really am and I think back to my younger days and forget that time has actually passed. Today I realized just how much time has passed. "Perhaps I should color my hair." I thought. Would that make me look younger? If the gray wasn't so...there? Should I invest money we don't have into products to try to help me look younger than I really am? Normally I would say absolutely not. Aging is part of life and is really impossible to stop. Some people cover it well with money thrown into products but eventually even products will not be able to cover the fact that one is really old. But today...today I am not feeling that way. Today I am feeling desperate to recapture the youth I once had. Today I am down on myself as I see the old lady staring back at me from the mirror. Today I wish I had lots of money to undo what the years have done. Today I want to be young again. But today, like every other day, that just isn't possible. I guess I will have to get used to that old lady in the mirror and somehow make peace with the fact that she is me and there is little I can do about it.

Stuck

2011-07-17T13:23:00.002-05:00

It seems my brain is stuck on a few topics. One of them is friendship which is what my last post was about. My wheels have been turning regarding this topic but more so as to how it relates to the younger generation today.

I think friendships for today's young teens and teens are so different then what I experienced as a teen. My friendships, as eluded to in the previous post, were close and personal. I had a face to face relationship with my friends. I shared with them and they with me as we would ride bikes or drive somewhere or just take a walk to the store to get away from parents. While I know these types of friendships still do exist, it seems that they are not as common. Now, sharing is done via text message or facebook posts/messages. There is something lost in a text message or a facebook message. These modes of communication lose the body language and non-verbal cues that we rely on for precise interpretation when we communicate face to face. It is the reason why e-mail communication is never as reliable as face to face talking.

Facebook, in particular, contributes a unique element to the world of friendships. Most people have several friends and often not all of them get together at the same time. I know as a teen I would on occasion spend time with Jen but more often spent time with Kris. Usually the one didn't know I was with the other. If I was with Kris, most likely Jen was with some other friends of hers. Seldom were the three of us together outside of school. We just weren't a threesome. There were no hurt feelings or feeling left out because we didn't broadcast to the facebook world what we were doing. That is not the case now.

Now, I see hurt because a couple friends posted pictures of their time together and my child realizes she was, once again, left out. Or they announce plans on facebook and she knows that once again she was not included. Of course, there is no law that says everyone has to be inluded all the time, but when it is made known in such a public forum, it hurts. Human nature is such that when we feel we are not wanted, it hurts. And I fear that these kinds of hurts are leaving scars that will not easily go away. No one likes to feel unloved or unwanted, yet that is precisely what often happens with facebook.

I need to step up prayers for my child, that she would be protected from others' insensitivity...that she would know regardless of what so called friends on earth think of her, that in the eyes of God, she is valued as a precious treasure. That doesn't go far right now when she feels left out. I just don't know what else to do.

Friendship

2011-07-15T12:23:00.002-05:00

A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity. ~Proverbs 17:17

I have been contemplating friendship as of late. Growing up I had a handful of people I called friends. In the elementary years most of my time was spent with my neighbors, Mike, Vinny, Chris and Danny. Mike lived right next door and Vinny across the street. These two were definitely the closest friends I had during those years. We walked to school together, swam and rode bikes in the summertime together, trick or treated together...pretty much spent at least part of everyday together. We were all in a different grade. I was the oldest, then Mike was a grade behind me and Vinny was a grade behind Mike. It didn't matter. We were true friends.

As I moved into junior high years Kris entered my life. We were meant for each other--no doubt about it! She practically lived at my house during the summertime! Jen joined us a bit later. But Kris and I stayed best friends. I still love her dearly and correspond with her although not as much as I would like. She moved soon after getting married and I moved as well, but I know we could see each other now and it would be like we were never apart.

As I moved into adulthood, I struggled in the friend category. I had a very close friend from my Hopkins years although we have since drifted apart and although I have tried to initiate contact, that effort has been largely ignored. I have given up for now figuring it just isn't meant to be. There were neighbors in Hopkins but they weren't really friends. I knew they could give my kids a ride somewhere if needed or watch them on short notice but there was no deep friendship or getting to know them there. During this time I met a long distance friend and she has been rock solid in being there for me--but, sometimes, a phone conversation is just not enough.

Upon moving to Buffalo I have made several friendships. Like the moon, though, these friendships wax and wane at times. I guess that is how life works. We all have busy seasons where we separate ourselves from those around us. I have done this at various times as well, not realizing that when we just stop talking to people for a time, it hurts them. When we let them down it is going to hurt. I am now experiencing some of that hurt. People I counted as true-through-thick-and-thin friends have not been there lately.

I have two choices in the midst of this. I could isolate myself as well or move on and look for what God has in store for me. I am choosing the second. I have already seen God bring a few new women into my life who I am hoping will become true-through-it-all friends. That is not to say I want to walk away from previous friendships. I still love those folks and would welcome them back if they desired to come there. I just refuse to come across as dependent on these people for my happiness (something I have been guilty of in the past). I am thankful that God has brought me to a place where I can see that new friends don't have to replace the old ones. I am thankful for the new ladies who are taking interest in this life of mine and that I have the opportunity to take interest in their lives as well. Isn't that what friendship is supposed to be?

I know that my long distance friends--Kris and Katya--will always be my friends, but I also know that I need people close by to grow with. I know that as life brings changes that sometimes friends will change as well...even if that may be difficult for me. I also want to be graceful to those who, because of their own life circumstances, need to step back for a time. I pray that God grants me the mercy to allow them to do so lovingly and not judgmentally as has been done in the past both by myself and by those close to me.

I am most thankful that I have one friend who will never leave me, grow tired of me, lose patience with me, nor ever stop loving me. When human friends fail, as we all do from time to time, I am thankful that Jesus never does.

Favoritism

2011-07-08T15:00:00.002-05:00

"I charge you in the sight of God and of Jesus Christ and the elect angels, to keep these instructions without partiality, and to do nothing out of favoritism." ~I Timothy 5:21

I came across this verse today while browsing through an article on homeschooling. The article was referring to teachers and parents who use the successes and/or failures of one student against another student. While it happens often in a classroom setting, it is a particularly easy trap to fall into as a homeschooling parent. What parent, even ones who do not homeschool, is not guilty of comparing their children at some point? "Oh, Johnny was such a tiny baby I assumed that Susie would be also." or "Susie was walking by the time she was ten months old. I wonder if I should be concerned that Johnny is 13 months and shows no interest in walking yet?" As Johnny and Susie grow mom and dad may try hard to not compare but chances are, if they attend the same school, well meaning teachers will do so. "Oh Johnny, I was your sister's art teacher and I remember she had such a wonderful talent for art! I can't wait to see some of your drawings!" Well, maybe Johnny can't draw to save his life! Comparison almost always leads to favoritism. Maybe Susie's teacher really loved the drawings she did and when Johnny is unable to do the same, the teacher holds a special place in her heart for Susie all the while encouraging Johnny to keep trying because she just knows that he can do it (even though he cannot no more than a fish can climb a tree.)

As human beings, we all tend to gravitate toward individuals who share common interests. I was a full fledged tomboy growing up, therefore most of my friends were boys. I played baseball, kickball, soccer, basketball and hockey everyday I could. You wouldn't catch me with a doll in my hands! My "favorite" friends were the ones who would do the things I liked to do because they liked those things as well. As an adult, and a former teacher, I know how difficult it is to not show favoritism. I had some students in my class who I just adored. Of course, that meant there were some whose personalities clashed with mine. They were most definitely not my favorites! In fact, being a young teacher, I would have given anything to rid my classroom of these trouble makers! I could not, though. You see, my professional duty was to teach my entire class and treat them all the same.

What does this have to do with Paul's letter to Timothy quoted in the beginning of my entry? Paul was warning Timothy of the dangers of favoritism in the church. Jesus did not play favorites. Yes, He had His disciples whom he loved and called to be set apart so that He could train them to continue His work after His death, but He did not elevate them over other people. In fact, when the mother of two of his disciples asked for special treatment for her sons, she was denied her request. God does not show favoritism in His kingdom. Favoritism in the church goes against what Jesus stood for while He ministered on earth.

I write about this because it is an issue we seem to be facing. Of course I cannot give specifics nor will I elude to any person or people whom I feel to be part of the problem, but suffice it to say it does seem to be a problem. Perhaps more so because the favorites are not my own kids. This time, it seems, my kids are on the outside watching a situation unfold that screams favoritism. Coming from a background where favoritism within the church negatively affected my spiritual growth, it bothers me to have my kids go through this. Of course, I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of gravitating toward a certain group of people, and that is fine if one is doing that with their own adult friends. The problem is when one is in a profession that requires love and acceptance and fair treatment of all and that is not happening, it becomes a frustrating existence, not to mention a difficult one to explain to kids. Looking back now I can see instances where one or more of my kids WERE the favorite and I was blind to the ones being ignored. I personally don't want to fall into that trap again and pray that eyes will be opened so others can see what they are doing to those to whom it is happening now.

Readings of Summer

2011-07-06T09:34:00.003-05:00

I have been spending some of the extra free time I find on my hands during the summer catching up on some reading. I have spent time reading articles, blogs, and books. My choice of topic as of late has focused mainly on secondary education and post secondary education. That is where my kids are in their lives so it makes sense that I would gravitate to these areas. I was aware of the variety of opinions that exist on these issues before I embarked on this reading adventure, but I have come to realize that many people are not up to date on the current state of affairs as it relates to these topics.

Historically, there have been two options for a young person graduating from high school. One could choose to go to college (this includes technical schools) or one could choose to enter the workforce (this option includes the military route). College was reserved for those careers where a degree was necessary--doctors, lawyers, CEOs, etc. One didn't need a college degree for jobs such as those in accounting, store managing, restaurants, and even teaching. Laura Ingalls studied for her teaching certificate at the age of 14. Times have changed.

In my reading I came across many who state that college is a waste of money, some who believe that not all young people are suited for college, some who advocate college should only be encouraged for sons while daughters should be encouraged to stay home until marriage, some who believe all high school graduates should go to college for at least a year...the opinions are many. As I sorted through them, I found myself disagreeing with many that I once agreed with and vice versa. I used to think I had it all figured out, but times have changed. The biggest influence on my thinking was not a blog or a well written magazine article, but rather a documentary titled, "Waiting for Superman". If you have not seen this movie, I encourage you to spend the dollar to rent it from Redbox. It will open your eyes to the true state of public education in America.

I used to think college was not for everyone. I still believe that to a point. There are some special needs students who would obviously not be successful in a college setting. But, for the average student who is capable of doing better than he or she showed in high school, I have come to believe that college is a necessity. According to the documentary, the United States will not have enough qualified individuals to fill jobs in the engineering fields in the foreseeable future. Technology is advancing by leaps and bounds everyday and our high schools are not doing a good job of keeping students up to par with the advancement. That will leave the United States no choice but to recruit qualified workers from countries whose educational systems are tarining their students poroperly--India, China, and Japan for example. In these countries emphasis is placed on learning and achieving academically, while in America we still feel that our high school students are children and deserve "play time". Students in these other countries have longer school days, weeks and years than their counterparts in the U.S. This gives them a huge advantage when it comes to being successful in college and beyond. Many American students who do go on to college often are going simply to party and enjoy the perks of living away from parents.

All that taken into consideration, though, I have come away from my readings believeing that college is essential to secure a good job. Of course there will always be exceptions. Everyone knows Bill Gates is not a college graduate and I'm sure most of us know at least one person who has made it in this world without a college degree, but the bottom line is as technology continues to advance and become more central to our everyday lives, our young people of today will need to have the skills necessary to keep up with the changes. I have also come to believe that going away to college is an important stepping stone to growing up. The cost is cheaper to live at home, for sure, but valuable lessons are lost by doing so. That must be a post for another day, though.

Oh Summer...

2011-06-29T18:53:00.003-05:00

Summertime is in full swing. If you know me at all, you know that I am not summer's biggest admirer. While I enjoy the laziness of the days and the lack of structure for a bit, I despise the heat and humidity that come with the season. I have never understood why people complain about the cold in January by saying, "You can't do anything. It's just too darned cold to go outside." Well, we have a heat intensity warning. The weather service has advised staying indoors due to the extreme heat index forecast for tomorrow. How is that any different from January?

Actually, this post is not a rant about summer weather. I bet if you scrolled through the archives you would find a post from last summer that covers that rant. This post is about the activity opportunities that summer presents. Or, should I say, presents for most people.

On any given day this week, one can sign onto facebook and read posts about Valleyfair, camping, vacations to Dsineyworld, cruises, mountains in Colorado or Wyoming, and a myriad of other fun things that families are doing this summer. Not our family though. No, the biggest thing Miss Bookworm and I have to look forward to each day is a trip to Walmart--Target if we are lucky. We have no money nor a vehicle that can get us anywhere for summer fun. I would love a day at the wave pool while Miss Bookworm would love a day at Valleyfair. Neither of us are going to get our wish granted. Mr. Accountant has been gone every night this week, reffing soccer games. We need the money. We still won't get to do anything fun.

I am miserable. I realize I am choosing to be this way and perhaps, if I really struggled with it, I could break out of this pit. I don't think so though. I hate the life I have built and I resent the fact that we get to do nothing remotely fun. I can pretend to be happy and content but the truth is I just am not. I so much wish we could do a few fun things over the summer. I know that won't happen and at the close of summer 2011, another school year will start with nothing worth remembering from the lazy days of summer. Nothing, that is, except the misery of heat, humidity and boredom from a 15 year old who wants to have some fun on her break but cannot.

Class of 2011

2011-06-06T10:06:00.003-05:00

This is the last week of school in our town. For Mr. Well Rounded, it is the last week of high school ever. He graduates this coming Friday. He is quite excited to be done with high school and go off to a Bible college where he will be around like minded people for a while. This has been a difficult year for him.

In the middle of 5th grade, we were told by his teacher that we would be better off homeschooling him. They did not have a gifted program in the budget (we had just left a school district with a wonderful gifted program) and the school had run out of ways to challenge him. His three siblings were already being homeschooled so bringing him home was not a difficult decision. He was home for the rest of 5th grade as well as 6th, 7th and 8th grades. He went to public school for 8th grade band and science and after school sports (soccer, basketball and track). Near the end of 8th grade Mr. Well Rounded decided that maybe it was time for him to go back to public school for high school. I did not object as I had run out of ways to challenge him as well. After meeting with the assistant principal and a school counselor, we decided that his going to high school full time would be a good fit. There were classes to challenge him, and while he didn't like some of the required classes, he put up with them. He was social and had many friends--most of them from the marching band which he participated in the summer following 8th grade.

Fast forward four years and he is now a senior...a senior not only tired of high school and all its drama but a senior tired of this high school and many of the fake people that occupy it. This senior year has been a difficult one. This has been the year that he has stood most strong for his faith and has suffered because of it. Students who once called themselves his friend have turned their backs on him and stabbed him in the back in the process. (Not the forementioned marching band friends--while they are not a close group anymore, they are still friends) Most of his difficulties have come from one particular group.

High school is a difficult process. Some kids come out unscathed but those are few. I think those are the kids who are not heavily involved in activities...kids who go through the motions, do decently and keep to their small group of friends, never branching out. Mr. Well Rounded was a very busy high school student--academics, athletics and the arts all fill his high school resume. He has friends from each group and there are some from each group who have given him much heartache. I guess that is all part of the experience.

If I could do over, I don't know that I would be as quick to agree to his returning to school. But I believe that BHS is a better school because Mr. Well Rounded walked its halls and proclaimed his faith throughout them. I will miss him tremendously as he goes off to begin the next phase of his life, but I know that ultimately he is God's child and is in God's hands.

Why I didn't go see the musical

2011-05-02T08:19:00.002-05:00

This past weekend the theater department at our high school presented their spin on the musical "Godspell". Mr. Well Rounded had auditioned for the musical and had made the cast. Upon further thinking, based on the way the director was presenting the musical, he decided to drop out of the cast. This was not an easy decision for him. This would have been his last performance on the high school stage. He did not agree, however, with presenting the gospel as a circus which is how the director had chosen to do the play. There was also the issue of some of the cast members who are so liberal in their thinking yet call themselves Christians...Mr. Well Rounded had run-ins with a few of them in the month prior to the musical auditions. All those factors combined influenced his decision to drop out. He decided to run track for his final spring season of high school.

As opening week approached, the local newspaper ran a feature on the musical as they always do. I happened to pick up a paper that week to see if there were any news articles about track that I would want for Mr. Well Rounded's graduation party. I began reading the write up on the musical. It described the plot and the circus theme and then said what would ultimately keep me from supporting this production. I do not have the exact quote since I have since recycled the paper but in essence it said that the musical portrays Jesus as the loving and tolerant person that he was. Excuse me, but Jesus was NOT tolerant.

That word "tolerant" has been thrown around in the last few years mainly to bash Christians who, most others see as non-tolerant. They are right. Christians are called to be like Jesus and Jesus wasn't tolerant. He called out the Pharisees every chance He got; he rebuked sinners by telling them to go and sin no more; he overthrew the moneychangers in the temple. Jesus loved sinners. We know this because He healed them and forgave their sins and spoke and hung out with them, but He was NOT tolerant of their sin. He called out the woman at the well for who she really was. He was saddened when the rich man refused to sell all he had to follow Jesus, yet Jesus did not make an exception for him. It had to be 100% Jesus or nothing at all...He did not tolerate wishy-washyness (to borrow from good ol Charlie Brown). No, Christians are not nor should they be tolerant. Loving, yes. Tolerant--absolutely not.

I, for one, am very glad that Godspell is done. I asked Mr. Well Rounded yesterday as we were eating if he thought he had made a mistake. After all, facebook was a buzz with glowing reports of how wonderful and God-honoring the musical was. He did not hesitate when he answered, "Absolutely not...not for a second have I ever second guessed my decision. I am enjoying track and the people in track are often nicer and easier to get along with then the theater people. The people praising that show are not looking at it through the right lens. I am very happy with my decision." I guess that says it all.

So, the last musical for my son is over and it was strange to not go and see it. I am glad it is done and I am glad I didn't spend the money to go watch a production where the disciples were dressed as clowns and Jesus was tolerant of whatever came His way. I personally do not believe Jesus was pleased with this production. Of course, we are dealing with a public school so I shouldn't be surprised.

One Talented Kid

2011-02-10T08:00:00.002-06:00

I picked up this week's issue of the town newspaper. There, in a large picture on the front page, is the cast of our high school's One Act play. They are going to State competition for their performance of "Pagaent Play". And in that picture, in the back row, is my son. Mr. Well-Rounded really lives up to his name. He is a musician (both vocal and instrumental), an actor, an athlete, an honor student, a class cabinet member, speaks four languages, a church youth group leader, a worship leader, and a really nice (and good looking) young man. Sounds like I'm bragging? Not intentionally, for there is another motivation behind this post. Mr. Well Rounded has a packed resume from high school. His picture has been in the paper for a wide variety of things (he played soccer, he got into an exclusive music program at a private music school in the cities, etc). He does not lack for positive references. But he is not the youngest in this family. You see, there is one who always seems to feel as though she is living in his shadow. Miss Bookworm is her name and I wish I could make her see that she is not her brother, but she is still loved as much as he is. Her picture has been in the paper one time...when she was inducted into the Tri-M music honor society as a freshman. Mr. Well-Rounded didn't get in to that until he was a sophomore. She forgets that and still feels inferior. She is not an athlete. That is ok. She is a musician (vocal but was a gifted violinist until she gave that up to sing) and she is quite good at singing. She is not a straight A student. That is ok too. She is a hard worker and is usually quite conscientious about her work. She is homeschooled. I wanted to send her to the high school full time next year. Nothing against having her home. I just don't feel as though I am doing a good job of teaching high school. There were many tears at the mention of this potentiality. She goes for choir. I know she would adjust just fine. There is adamant refusal to go. Then, as I was browsing the paper, reading the article on the One Act cast and coming across the pictures on concert choir and concert band (yes, the two highest levels in our school) and seeing Mr. Well-Rounded smiling from those pictures as well...reading the article on what an honor both of these groups had in being selected to perform at the state's music teacher's convention...it dawned on me. I don't think I would want to be the younger sibling of Mr. Well-Rounded either. He is known by every teacher in every department and liked by all of them. And while she shouldn't have to follow in his shoes, it would probably be expected of her simply because her last name matches his. Even Miss Musicmaker, who has a list of accomplishments all her own, said that she would NOT want to be Mr. Well-Rounded's younger sister.

I am proud of both of them. In my eyes, they are both precious gifts from God. Because God has bestowed more on one does not diminish the other in my mind. Convincing Miss Bookworm of that, though...well, that is a different story.

The Blahs

2011-01-25T21:39:00.002-06:00

I sat through Pastor Max's lesson on Job Monday night. I can say I learned some things and some things were made clearer, but I still have some issues with that book. It probably isn't helping that I feel like I am in a downward spiral emotionally and spiritually right now. I can't really lay a reason on why I am struggling so. Some people have said it's the weather. No. It is definitely not the weather. I love the cold and snow and actually get depressed thinking about spring and summer. I just don't know what it is, but I do know I am weary. I often think of the verse where Jesus says, "Come unto me all you who are weary and I will give you rest." I just can't seem to get some of that rest. My schedule is out of control. I am glad Anna got into show choir and that she is enjoying it, but it is taxing me being gone Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights. Add to that the stress of feeling like homeschooling is just a failure again this year and I just feel weary. Very weary. Perhaps this is just a season that will pass. I hope so. I want to feel well again. Perhaps tomorrow I will set up some goals to help me get there. Tonight, I am too tired to think that much.

Why do the righteous suffer?

2011-01-23T21:33:00.001-06:00

My Old Testament survey class is in the books of Job and Ecclesiastes this week. This is the second time within the last 6 months that I have read through the book of Job and, to be honest, I am still struggling with it. I don't question the authority of God to do whatever He wants. I get that we have ultimately no control over things. We are the created, not the creator. Yet, I am still frustrated and baffled by so many things in this book.

If, for example, Job was blameless and upright (as the first few verses tell us he was), why did God set him up for attack? Obviously Satan had to ask permission of God to afflict Job with the calamities that befell him. And God said "Yes." I don't get that. If some bully came to my door and asked me if I would allow him to beat up my son in order to build his character, my answer would be a resounding "NO!" I may even chase the bully off my property. My duty as a parent is to protect my son. I would not want to set him up for humiliation and pain. Now, as a parent, I do allow my kids to learn from their own mistakes. Mistakes are going to be made and I cannot protect my kids from all their consequences. But Job made no mistake that caused these disasters. It was simply God turning him over to Satan and putting the one perameter of not allowing death to Job in place. I don't get it.

Job was a righteous man. He was blessed beyond measure. Then, the blessings were gone. In the church I grew up in I was taught that if you obey God, then his blessings will follow you. (I don't think this is the same as the health and wealth gospel preached today which says if you have enough faith God will bess you.) Sin brings consequences and obedience brings blessings. It is the natural order of things. If my children disobeyed me, they would lose privileges of some sort, but if they obeyed, I would grant them extra favor to reinforce their prompt obedience. Of course, they, like all of us, did not ALWAYS obey the first time, but they knew the consequences would follow disobedience and blessing would follow obedience. Then I look at Job. He didn't disobey. He never cursed God. Eventually, his fortune was returned to him. Yet, anyone who has lost a child knows another child cannot replace the one lost. A void can be filled and love extended but one always wonders what may have become of the child lost. While Job did have children again to "replace" those lost, they were not the same children.

Why would God choose to withhold blessings from those who obey but bless those who curse His name? I just don't understand this. I know I need to move on in faith and know that not all things will be known on earth. This is getting more difficult, though, as I feel crushed under the hand of God. I feel homeschooling was a call from God for me. I gave up a full time job I enjoyed and obeyed. Living on one income has been beyond difficult. We seldom know where grocery money is coming from. We lost a home to foreclosure and now pay ridiculously high rent because we cannot buy a house. We drive old beat up and unreliable vehicles. We cannot buy our kids clothing on a regular basis let alone a decent car to drive. We cannot help with college expenses like parents are supposed to be able to do. I know these are material things but they are necessary material things. I find I am growing depressed as the financial frustrations just keep getting worse. What am I doing wrong that God is choosing to withhold blessings? Am I doing nothing wrong and this is just our lot in life? I need an answer and so far have not been able to find one.

a future

2010-08-01T22:44:00.003-05:00

I have been thinking a lot lately of my future. As the kids keep getting older (funny how they do that but I don't) I realize that very soon they will all be living their own lives. Being a mom is really all I know how to do. It has been my identity for the past 20 years and sometimes I feel panic set in when I think about what I might do when there are no kids left at home to take care of. There are definitely some things I am interested in, though, and I wonder if perhaps I might be able to pursue them. For example, I love photography. I also love to write. I could see myself working in a library or, even better, an elementary school library. I could pursue a MN teaching license since my NY license means nothing here but I don't see myself teaching in public schools. A Christian school would be awesome though! Of course my ultimate dream is to own a bakery but that would take funds I do not have. Perhaps working in a bakery?

I don't know the future but I know God promises to have a future planned for me both on earth and in heaven.

The dog days of summer

2010-07-08T17:02:00.002-05:00

If you know me at all, you know I am not a fan of summer. I enjoy the break from school for a bit and the freedom to read and bake, but I do not enjoy the heat, constant sunshine and humidity. While I am very thankful for air conditioning, I miss having fresh air blowing through the house. This feeling of blah-ness usually sets in during July and this year is no different. July is a lot like January...long and stuck indoors. The only difference is it is too hot to do anything outdoors instead of too cold. I am sure when school starts again, I will long for the relaxing days of summer gone by.

How does this happen?

2010-06-13T15:03:00.002-05:00

I always wanted kids...lots of kids. As it happened, we stopped at four. Twenty years after the first was born, I am glad I did. I am not a very good mom apparently. I have raised a child who apparently has no regard for the feelings of others most of the time. Which of my offspring I am referring to will rename nameless simply to protect others around us as well as the individual from judgement. I will even refrain from using a gender that may give it away. What bothers me the most is I thought I had taught all of them to think...to consider everything before jumping in with both feet. Apparently I have failed. What could be next in this child's line of mistakes and who else might suffer at his/her hands? I don't want to stick around and find out to be honest. If there is a way to detach myself from parenting, I must find it soon.

Warning: Changes Ahead--Prepare to Brake

2010-06-10T21:01:00.002-05:00

I have never been one who is fond of change. In fact, I dislike it very much. I know change is inevitable and you would think I would be used to it after my 40+ years on earth. But I am not.

Now, more changes are coming and they are coming way too fast for me. I was just getting used to Miss Musicwriter being an adult and on her own most of the time. Now, Mr. Well Rounded is exerting his desire for more independence. Even Miss Bookworm is gone tonight to a bonfire at a friend's house. This is leaving me with a very eerie feeling...one I do not like in the least.

Can I just run away? Please?

What happened to summer vacation?

2010-05-29T18:08:00.002-05:00

What happened to summer vacation? Based on the blog updates I have been getting, the concept of summer vacation is as outdated as parachute pants! Why? And when did this change take place?

I realized it fully this past week as I began to read some of the blog updates in my reader. I started to see a theme--a question posed in many of these blogs. That question asked, "What are you planning to do to keep your kids busy this summer?" Excuse me? Did that really read, "keep my kids busy this summer"? As I read blogs and responses to blogs, I started to realize that, apparently, kids do not actually GET a summer vacation anymore. Oh, school is done and homework is non existent, but it seems parents feel the need to plan every minute of their child's summer to ensure their offspring are not bored. What is wrong with boredom?

Thirty some years ago (this makes me sound very old) I was a child. I was blessed to live in a great neighborhood with several other kids close to my age. None of them were exactly my age, but we were all within 2-4 years of each other. All of our moms stayed home. When summer came we played outside...all day, everyday. It was an unspoken rule among all the moms that indoors was off limits. If it happened to rain, we all went into one of our garages to play or to our own homes to wait out the weather. We all had pools and we would spend our days going from one pool to the next to the next. My neighbor across the street, Vinny, he had the best pool. He was the only one with an inground pool and a diving board. Eventually they added a water slide as well. The only problem with Vinny's yard was that he had big scary dogs. We dealt with it though. If we got tired of swimming, we rode our bikes, roller skated, played tennis in the street, or just sat on the lawn and talked. We made forts out of cardboard boxes. We played at the hill. Oh, the tales we came up with for the big, smooth rock that no one could move at the bottom of the hill. We would look for tadpoles in the pond at the bottom of the hill. We would wait for Mr. Softy to come so we could buy ice cream. I sure loved to hear the music of his truck. I always hoped he wouldn't come right at dinner time! We didn't dare tell our parents we were bored. That would get us hard labor in a heartbeat!

Fast forward to today. Today's children get done with school and then start summer school. Now, summer school when I was growing up was a bad thing. It meant you didn't pass your grade and needed to catch up. Now, they don't call it summer school where I live. It is called summer sun block...a block of fun classes held throughout the day so mom doesn't have to deal with the kids at home during summer "vacation". Maybe it is just me, but when our school year ended, the last place I would have wanted to go to in July was school! And I loved school for the most part! Moms fret about planning play dates and all sorts of things to keep their kids busy. I am not saying parents shouldn't do things with their kids. I think that is a good thing, but to micromanage every day so kids are just as busy over the summer as they are during the school year is not doing their children any favors. Boredom causes resourcefulness. It makes a kid be creative and come up with something to entertain them. And before you say that bored kids entertain themselves by getting trouble, remember that usually happens because parents have not been around to teach their children what it means to be respectful of others and their property. We were bored at times but we knew better than to go beat someone's mailbox with a baseball bat.

Summer vacation should be just that--vacation. Time for kids and parents to relax and be creative, spend time together just hanging out as a family, and getting to know others around you. Children who are constantly entertained grow up to be adults who need to be constantly entertained and lack the resourcefulness to find healthy means of entertainment. It can lead to over spending, over eating and a host of other issues in their adult lives. Take back summer vacation and do your kids a favor!

Old cat lady

2010-05-08T21:06:00.002-05:00

I think I should have been an old cat lady instead of a mom. When I was younger, my dream was to get married and have many kids. I thought I would be a terrific mom. I envisioned giggles and laughs as I played with my brood of kids and then the squeals of delight I would hear when daddy came home from work and swooped them all up and loved them. Their dad would dote on them while I prepared a wonderful home cooked meal and then we would share happy family time until they went to bed and I spent the rest of the evening with my beloved. POP! That bubble burst and with it, all my dreams and plans. Instead, I married someone who, while not a horrible dad, certainly doesn't show much interest in the kids beyond attending their activities. I seldom have time to prepare nice meals with all the running I have to do. I actually do not consider myself a very good mom at all. I have raised kids who have little sense of responsibility and believe that things should be done for them and handed to them. While they get good grades, we have not been without our share of troubles, both familial and legal, brought on by a few of them. They often have bad attitudes and two of them seem to want nothing to do with God anymore. I am thinking instead of getting married and having children, I should have stayed single and been a crazy cat woman. I could easily take care of 10 cats--much better than I am doing with 4 kids. Cats would love me and only expect love in return. They wouldn't break my heart by doing things they know are wrong. I wouldn't have to worry about them driving or who they marry or why they aren't home when they are supposed to be. I wouldn't have to have my heart broken again and again because I know that I have failed in so many ways as a mom. If only I had been a better mom in the early years. If only I wasn't so hard on myself.

2010-04-27T13:56:00.003-05:00

It has been a bit since I have updated. Busy, busy, busy...in the words of the mean magician from "Frosty the Snowman". Mr. Well Rounded was a lead in the spring play. He did such an amazing job. The play, "The Diviners", was emotionally taxing for me. It was definitely one that covered the spectrum of human emotion. I found the ending to be terribly sad and I couldn't stop thinking about it. Even now, more than a week after its ending, I still feel haunted by it. A few days after the last performance, the concert band/concert choir and orhestra left for their trip to New Orleans. Mr. Well Rounded was shocked at the immorality of the city, especially that of Bourbon Street. I think, though, he had a good time. I am so proud of him...he has come a long way and has such a tender heart for spiritual things. I wish I could say the same for Mr. Accountant, Mr. Gameboy and Miss Musicwriter. Sometimes I feel as though I battle 3 satans in this house. I spend time in fervent prayer every night, interceding for the above mentioned three. I know God hears and I know he cares. Yet they remain unmoved. This I do not understand. I refuse to give up, though. Lately, my biggest source of frustration has been Mr. Gameboy. He works very few hours, and, while this is beyond his control, he also does nothing to remedy the situation. He needs to start taking responsibility for his future. He is content to sit around and play video games, watch tv or waste time some other way rather than put time into figuring out what it is he wants to do with his life. Yesterday I found myself longing for a conversation with my dad. How I miss his wisdom...and the fact that he could be emotionally detahced yet still love when giving advice. I need some help on how to get Mr. Gameboy to take responsibility for himself yet need to do this lovingly. I know he has a disability but I also know he is capable of many more things than he tries to do. He is lazy I am afraid. Of course, his father's side of the family is noted for its laziness and for many years Mr. Gameboy has watched as his dad screws up and then waits for someone to come rescue him. It is only in the last year or so that Mr. Accountant has learned to take responsibility. And he still has his idols that take place of God (tv, food, soccer). I know I am not perfect either yet at least I feel like I am trying. Yet I am overworked. Homeschooling is a full time job as is keeping up with this house and the kids. Add to that a work project that I am supposed to score 20 hours a week and I am burning out quickly. I pray God sustains me since this is only temporary. Life never is dull and it is forever complicated.

In the presence of the Lord

2010-04-03T20:21:00.002-05:00

The Bible says in the twinkling of an eye we will be in the presence of the Lord. That has hit home for me this past week. A dear, dear friend of mine has left this earth to join her Savior is her eternal home. B was 54 years old. She had a humble heart and a gentle and encouraging spirit. She was diagnosed with leukemia in October. Her prognosis was very good. They just needed to do some chemo and get her to a bone marrow transplant. Her brother was a perfect match. The family, her husband, their oldest biological daughter (23), oldest adopted from Romania son (19) and the three Russian adoptees they have had for 5 years (21, 19, 18), were optimistic. The first chemo did not work. Not to worry said the doctors. We have others. The second di not work either. It's okay, they said. The third worked for a very short time and they were gearing up to go to transplant. A few days later it was found that the chemo did not work and that the cancer had spread rapidly...85% of her blood was cancerous. There was no more to do but to send her home to enjoy about a month with her family and a view of their lake. That did not happen either. She died 4 days later after being asleep most of that time. My heart breaks for this family. I love them...I loved B. I will miss her.

a letter to God

2010-03-14T20:36:00.002-05:00

Dear God,

My heart is heavy tonight. The cares of this world have weighed me down. I worry about my health. I worry about my kids. I worry about finances--a lot. There is so much in this life that is worrisome. Sometimes I feel like I am sinking in a quicksand of worry. The more I struggle the faster I sink. You said that your burden is light. Mine is heavy right now, Lord. I realize that so many have much heavier burdens than mine and I shouldn't be complaining. I feel like such a wimp for staggering under the weight of my burden. Yet, to me, it is heavy. Of course, finances are the majority of my burden's weight. There just never seems to be enough money to cover everything that cries to be covered. I have poured myself out for this family and have nothing--literally--left to give. I am definitely at the end of my rope here. I see people--I even know several-- who deny your existence openly yet they are tremendously blessed in this world. I don't desire riches, Lord. I really don't. But it seems so wrong that they prosper and do nothing with their money to further your kingdom. Yet, you continue to bless them. Why? They live in lavish homes, drive nice vehicles, take expensive vacations and live for self. There are people I would love to help, kids I would love to sponsor, but cannot. I know in the end their riches cannot get them into heaven. I get it. Yet, how do I continue down here to lay up treasure in heaven? I have no earthly means to do so. Please, God, please, open my eyes to what I am missing. I have little joy for this journey and I desperately want some.

a long while

2010-03-13T08:52:00.003-06:00

Wow, it has been some time since I have been here. I think about sitting down and writing, and, inevitably, something happens that prevents me from doing so. Usually that something is something that makes me feel grumpy and thereby not feel like writing. This week, especially, has been true in that regard. I did not think I was going to make it through the last two days. It is the closest I have come in a very long time to throwing in the towel. I caught myself thinking seriously about thoughts that should not be entertained. It was a very low couple of days. I feel a slight upward swing today and that is good. I sure would love a vacation though. Just a small break away from all the problems and frustrations that being me brings. Unfortunately, this is not in my future...not the kind of resting vacation I need anyway. We (Mr. Accountant, Mr. Well Rounded and myself) are going to Chicago the end of this month for a college visit to Moody Bible Institute..this is where Mr. Well Rounded has his heart set on attending. I don't think he will have a problem getting in...he has the most faith I have ever seen in anyone---including adults. He is usually a breath of fresh air to me, although I do sometimes get annoyed at the fact that he doesn;t have a job and expects me to drop everything I am ever doing to drive him somewhere or pick him up. But I love him dearly and know God is going to use him mightily. While getting away from here will be good, it still won't be the rest I desperately need. I guess I just have to keep praying that God gets me through each day as it comes.

This morning I have a quiet house to myself...Mr. Well Rounded has a choral jazz festival so he is already at the school, Miss Bookworm is doing foodshelf work today so she is already at the church, Mr. Accountant is at men's Bible study and Mr. Gameboy is asleep and will be for at least 5 hours. I am going to immerse myself in the Scriptures and try to find my needed rest there.

Rant on television

2010-02-09T13:56:00.002-06:00

Times have sure changed. Of course, change is inevitable. I once read that the only thing predictable about change is that change will happen. It can be seen on earth, in nature, technology and countless other visible testaments that surround us. Some changes are lauded as good. Modern medicine, for example, now has answers to diseases that, one hundred years ago, would have been a certain death sentence. Other changes are criticized as being detrimental. Technological advances that have led to identity theft comes to mind. One change included on the list of detriments would have to be society's increasing love affair with television.

As recently as fifty years ago, television was considered by the majority of Americans to be a treat--something that was not necessarily found in all households and was turned on for a specific purpose such as a favorite show or the local news. There were just a few channels from which to choose and often picture quality depended on the weather. Eating family dinners and family interaction time came before television viewing. How times have changed.

In present day America, with few exceptions, all families have televisions. In fact, families now often have several of these black boxes located throughout their homes. The living room boasts a large screen; the family room sports a flat screen; bedrooms, once a sacred place for privacy and imagination, have now succumbed to the lure of the ever present television set. Some people even have a set in the bathroom! Many kitchens have television sets--after all, if a modern wife has to spend time in the kitchen at all, at least she can watch her favorite talk show. Children as young as four years old have not only a television in their rooms, but a DVD player as well.

Now, before anyone labels me as old fashioned ( a label I actually find complimentary) and legalistic, we do have television sets in our home. This is not by my choice, though, and I would prefer to not have any. Walk into any room that holds a television in a modern American home and you will notice a common factor--the furniture is situated in such a way that it all faces the television set. In times past, the family was the center of the home. That has now been replaced by the lure of the glowing black box. We are provided instant entertainment--movies, sports and the newest passion, reality TV--all at the touch of a button. We can flip through 300+ channels without leaving our seat. While some of this is not a problem in and of itself, the concept behind this addiction to television is loaded with issues.

Millions of dollars are spent in this country on advertising. When a family sits down to catch this week's episode of "The Amazing Race", their home is opened to advertisers competing for their dollars. The Travelocity gnome is searching for a good deal on a vacation and it can only be found by booking with Travelocity. This seems harmless and it truly is--this particular ad. Countless others, though, expose our children and ourselves to alcohol commercials, lingerie commercials (complete with scantily clad women to catch the eyes of the male viewers), commercials for enhancing the size and performance of men during sex, fast food commercials (there is that instant gratification again) and others which I am embarrassed to describe (GoDaddy comes to mind). Thirty years ago, these commercials would not have been given air time nor would families have watched if they were. Now, we view them with our children sitting with us and think nothing of it. Or maybe we do squirm a bit but reason that the advertisement will be over soon and we can get back to watching a show about murdered police (complete with graphics) or the lives of two gay men who adopt a child. Complacency has set in and the television has become an idol worshipped by many families and deemed a necessity in our homes.

In addition to those issues already mentioned, another result of our television idolatry is the disconnect of the family. Dad watches "Law and Order" in the living room, Johnny watches "Phineas and Ferb" in his room, Sally is watching the new "Wizards of Waverly Place" in her room and mom is catching up with the Duggar Family while washing the dinner dishes. The hours from supper to bedtime, once spent talking or playing Scrabble, are now spent separated by walls and doors, the room's inhabitants staring mindlessly at the glowing black box. Sadly, in my home, if the hours spent watching television were compared to the hours spent reading the Bible or some other book, I would be embarrassed to see the comparison. I believe God was serious when he told the Israelites to have no other god before him. This commandment is just as applicable to our lives today as it was to God's chosen ones thousands of years ago. We are similar to this people group in that we make excuses for what we do. "I am tired after working all day and deserve a little me time in front of the tv." or "I can't think straight after a long day to read to you." We need to own up and call this what it is--sin--and confess, repent and turn from it.

To be clear, watching television is not a sin; however, being so addicted to it that we choose it over our relationships with family, friends and God IS a sin. The glowing box has an off button. With a little practice, we can all learn to push it. The more we do that, the easier it will get.

Frugality

2010-01-18T14:52:00.002-06:00

Frugality--Webster defines it as "economical in use or expenditure; prudently saving or sparing; not wasteful." I have pondered not just the term but also the lifestyle for quite some time now. I believe with all my heart it is the better way to live. The issue then becomes, exactly how does "living frugally" look to those around me...and to me.

At first I thought living frugally, or living simply, meant denying myself of all things extra. If my shoes had no tread on the bottom (which they do not) but have no holes in them, then they do not need to be replaced. My daughter disagrees vehemently with this by the way. She has been pressuring me for months to buy a new pair of shoes.
"Why?" I ask her. "There is nothing wrong with these."
"Mom," she replies, "If it is raining you almost fall. There is nothing left on the bottom of those shoes. Do you feel me pushing on the sole?"
"They keep my feet dry. That is all that matters."
I still believe my shoes are fine.

Does living frugally mean eating beans and rice and very little meat to not spend as much money? I already do that so if that is part of the concept, I must be on the right track. Or maybe living frugally means making everything from scratch or never eating/ordering out.

Does living frugally mean I tell my son "No" to ALL those extra activities he feels he needs to do. So far this school year we have paid the theater department $210 for his participation in 2 productions; we have paid an audition fee of $20 for All State choir; we have paid over $50 for honor choirs for which he applied and was accepted; we have paid a fee of $20 for tux rental for band; yearbooks will cost over $60; prom will cost close to $100; we have not paid yet but will be required to soon at least $600 for his participation in the exclusive music training program at Macphail in Minneapolis; voice lessons so far for just him have totaled over $200 since July. Come this summer there will be Lone Tree again plus a host of other expenses that come along with having a 17 year old son...who by the way, is so busy with his activities he cannot find time to get or work a job. If I bring this subject up he responds by asking if he should drop leading worship on Wednesdays or Sundays. He knows where to hit. What about the other kids? How do they factor into this? Mr. Gameboy is pretty self sufficient at 20 years old so he doesn't really. But the others still do.

God promises to supply all our needs...not our wants. Do we have a part in this at all? Are we supposed to live frugally in order for God to bless us? I tend to think yes simply because the book of Proverbs has so many verses on money and being wise in our stewardship of it. How, though, after so many years of waste, do we redeem what the "locusts" ate--that is, how do we start anew, the right way, after having spoiled our kids for so long? That is something I certainly do not have an answer to...at least not without a wave of guilt splashing over me.

a debate

2010-01-10T20:08:00.002-06:00

A little over a month ago now, a very good friend of mine, a fellow believer, a sister in Christ, became upset with some of my beliefs of the Bible. The issue stemmed from a comment I had made about my back pain. My back pain is caused from a car accident three years ago. I have had several procedures to try to relieve some of the pain but none has worked. My friend encouraged me to go to a woman pastor who claims to have the gift of healing. My response was that while I believe God can heal and occasionally does heal, I didn;t believe that going to a "healer" was the answer. She did not take kindly to my response and some e-mails were exchanged on the topic. I finally decided to drop the subkect--she would not be swayed nor would I. A friend and mentor agreed that this was the best thing to do. Yet, in the weeks that have followed, I have thought often about the issue and have been digging through the Bible as well as archives of good teachers of the Word to enlighten me on the subject. Here is what I have found.

John Macarthur, on his websire Grace to you, has an article on the gifts mentioned in the New testament. He categorizes the gits into two categories--permanent and temporary.

The permanent gifts were those that were used to build up the body of Christ. These gifts are still in existence today. I, however, want to focus on what Macarthur refers to as the temporary gifts. These gifts were given as temporary, and were designed to confirm the words of the apostles and prophets and ceased when their offices ceased.

The temporary gifts are the gifts of miracles, healing and tongues. These were gifts designed for the apostles to use so those they preached to would have physical evidence that they were telling the truth. The New Testament was not written yet so they did not have the Bible for authority...therefore, the apostles needed these things to prove they were legitimately from Christ. Hebrews 2: 3-4 is a reference for this--“How shall we escape, if we neglect so great salvation, which at the first began to be spoken by the Lord, and was confirmed unto us by them that heard Him (the apostles), God also bearing them (the apostles) witness, both with signs and wonders, and with diverse miracles and gifts of the Holy Spirit.“ Certain gifts of the Spirit were specifically for the apostles, for the purpose of confirming the Word and establishing its veracity in the minds of people who had no other standard. There was no written Word of God. The standard of the New Testament was not yet in existence, so signs became the confirmation of the Word.

In the early church, the sign gifts were a necessary adjunct to the preaching and teaching of the apostles and early prophets. In fact, there is no indication anywhere in the New Testament that anybody had these gifts other than by the laying on of hands by the apostles. It was a direct ministry geared to the apostles and the initial prophets of the early church. B. B. Warfield says, “These miraculous gifts were part of the credentials of the Apostles, as the authoritative agents of God in founding the church. Their function thus confines them to distinctly the Apostolic church and they necessarily passed away with it."

The church today no longer needs the confirmation that the early church once needed. We do not need miracles as a standard by which we verify somebody’s declaration. We don’t need somebody to stand up and preach, then do a miracle so we will know he is telling the truth. We have another standard--the Word of God. When someone preaches, we can match him to the Word of God. If he does not stand that test, we know that he is not a true teacher, but a false one. We do not need confirming miracles because the Bible is our confirmation.
In Luke 16:31, Abraham told the rich man in Hades, “If they hear not Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded, though one rose from the dead.“ If the Word of God isn’t sufficient, miracles won’t change a person’s mind. Now that Scripture is complete, it is to be our standard. So, confirming miracles are irrelevant, immaterial, and extraneous.

The New Testament writers knew that the spiritual gift of healing was coming to an end. Even in the latter years of the apostles ministry this gift began to disappear - people who were sick stayed sick!
1) God refused to heal Paul (2 Cor. 12:7-10).
2) Timothy was sick with a probable ulcer (1 Tim. 5:23). Did Paul tell Timothy to go find someone with the gift of healing? No. He told him to “take a little wine for thy stomach’s sake.“ In other words, medicine was on its way in and the gift of healing on its way out.
3) Paul left Trophimus sick at Miletus (2 Tim. 4:20). If Paul had the gift of healing (he had healed previously), would he not have exercise it on behalf of Trophimus?
4) James said to pray for the sick (James 5:13). The book of James was written long before 1 Corinthians. Do you know what he said to do when someone was sick? He didn’t say, “Find the person with the gift of healing.“ Rather James said, “is any among you afflicted? Let him pray.. Is any sick among you? Let him call or the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord; and the prayer of faith shall save the sick“ (Js. 5:13-15). Before 1 Corinthians was ever written, James knew that in years to come, the apostolic gift of healing would be nonexistent. The wisest counsel he could give the church was to seek, by faith, the healing that God offers.

Macarthur also writes about tongues and why the tongues movement today is a false doctrine. That is another issue and one I won't go into in ths entry. I have learned much in my study on healing. I believe that God CAN heal and sometimes God DOES heal but I do not believe we are all entitled to be healed on earth simply because we are Christians. As Pastor Taylor told me one day at church in discussing my back, "Sometimes it is not healing God provides but rather the grace to withstand the ailment. Sometimes that is healing in itself."

meanderings

2009-12-29T19:07:00.003-06:00

I haven't written in a bit. My emotions have been like a pendulum...swinging high and happy one hour then back to low and depressed the next hour. I can't figure it out but I know it has been difficult to live this way...especially at Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas, well, let's say this is the first time I can ever remember that I was looking forward to it being over. The gifts were scarce this year. Each of the kids had a few and a couple of them got the one thing they had asked for, but there were other things I so longed to purchase that I just could not...and for me, that was painful. To make things more difficult, these weren't things that were just whims for wants...they were needed things like reeds for instruments and books for study. DH and I exchanged no gifts at all...not even small stocking things. That was very depressing as well. By Christmas night I was teary-eyed and sad. I have already taken down the tree and the majority of the decorations. This is unusual for me but I felt no joy at having them remain up.

Miss Musicwriter has been home on break and this has been a source of pain as well. She actually does not like coming home very much and that cuts deeply. I understand her feelings and why she doesn't want to be here but that doesn't make it hurt any less. To make it more difficult, we have had no money at all so I can't even take her out and do things with her.

The whole money issue is overwhelming me to the point of tears and panic right now. We have a list of items that need to be paid and there is no way we will have the money to pay them. There are still school fees for Mr. Well-Rounded that I have not yet paid that will soon become an issue. There are bills that need to be taken care of and groceries that need to be bought. I cannot remember the last time the freezers were this empty. I took inventory today and we are down to 10 pounds of ground beef, a turkey and a spiral ham. That's it. I am hoping tonight to find some recipes that will be good for the ground beef...besides meatloaf which only DH and myself will eat.

So, 2009, I bid you farewell. You have not been good to me in most ways. In fact, when I look back, I can only find a few happy events but many, many sad ones. I no longer look forward to a new year...I am hoping that reverse psychology will work here--meaning, if I don;t look forward to it, then nothing bad will happen and maybe even some good things will come out of it.

Pondering Christmas

2009-12-10T13:56:00.002-06:00

It is that time of year again. It has been for some time I guess. The time of year when television commercials turn to toys and luxury cars with big red bows on the top, of red and green M&M's and alcohol for party mixers. Sales abound at nearly every store. Some of the deals are very difficult to pass up. Yet, passed up they will be, at least by this blogger. Our financial woes have continued and maybe even worsened so there is preciosu little money for extras. While I never considered Christmas to be an "extra", Mr. Accountant does. I have avoided going out as much as possible since being in the stores and seeing all the Christmas stuff puts me in the mood to buy. Christmas for me is not about getting. Yes, when I was a younger child and teen, that was first and foremost on my mind. My mom made sure that every wish and whim was granted on that magical morning. I remember having so many presents piled under the tree for my brother and me that we had nowehere to even sit to open them all. I did the same thing for my kids; after all, it was all I knew. Even in past years of financial hardship, we always spent more on Christmas than we should and we always bought things that weren't necessarily needed. I justified it as being necessary--it was Christmas and kids need a big, magical day they would always remember. This year, though, there is no way to do this. There are no credit cards, no savings account, no 401k to borrow from. There is barely money to buy groceries. Of course our kids aren't little anymore. They should understand, and maybe they do (although I have my doubts), but I don't want to understand it. Even though I know Christmas isn't supposed to be about the gifts, it has always been and my heart is breaking that this year I cannot go out and buy and give.

Yet, in my sadness and sense of loss over what has always been my favorite season, I wonder if this is a lesson that God has been trying to teach me for a long time. Could it be that so many of my new blog-world friends are writing about simple, homemade Christmases by happenstance? Could it be God is showing me, again, that we are blessed beyond so many in this world. We have a home, we have heat (this comes in handy on this -7 degree day), we have two running automobiles--not new by any means, but running. Mr. Accountant has a job this Christmas. We have food and hopefully will be able to have a special holiday meal. We will all be together this Christmas (assuming Miss Musicwriter does not get stuck at school due to weather). In fact, when I asked the kids at home still what they wanted for Christmas, Mr. Well Rounded said the only thing he wants is for Miss Musicwriter to be home and not stuck at school. That made me feel warm and fuzzy--for a little bit anyway. Then the commercials and advertisements online and in my e-mail box came again, jarring me back to harsh reality. Would they really be happy with a simple Christmas? Maybe I should say WILL they be? Because, most likely, that is what we are going to end up with despite my not being very happy about it.

A Fork in the Road

2009-11-27T12:33:00.002-06:00

I have reached a fork in the road. I have been here before of this I am sure. Perhaps my wanderings have not gotten me further down the path at all, but rather, I fear I have been wandering in a large circle getting nowhere in my journey. If history is any indication, this fork will be problematic for me. I have chosen the wrong way again and again. Perhaps that is why I am stuck wandering in the same place. The problem is, I don't seem to remember which ways I have walked so as not to walk them again. I know that one path will lead to sure destruction, for I have chosen that path before. I have the scars to prove this fact. Did I miss something somewhere? A sign that would point me in the right direction? A detour that I should have taken and did not? This journey is frustrating me, for perhaps, this is a different fork in a different road. I guess it matters not where it is, but it matters very much which way I decide to go. My red flags of warning have already been raised within my spirit and now I have to choose to listen to them. If I make this choice, I am left wondering if God even sees, let alone cares, about me. I have lived this way for so long perhaps I am used to it. Yet, I now find myself questioning why God chooses to turn his back on me over and over again. He no longer answers prayers that I cry from my lips. I no longer sense his presence in any aspect of my life. There has been hurt after hurt and disappointment after disappointment for what seems like an eternity. I have heard that if God seems far away that he is not the one that moved. I disagree. I have been seeking and searching earmestly for the last two months and I am still stuck in thick mud and mire. Hence my fork in the road. I know I now need to make a choice. I can choose to continue the path I believe to be the right one and hope that at some point God shows himself to me and lets me know he is there with me. I can also choose to give up this frustrating search for God in my life. To say, along with so many others, that God cares not for me or my troubles and that the idea of a loving God is a nice one to think about but it just isn't true. I am scared of the choice I may make. I feel like I lose either way.

not getting it

2009-11-17T13:28:00.002-06:00

I am defnitely not getting it. The "it" I am referring to is whatever lesson God is trying to teach me in this season. I have submitted to Him in as much as I know for sure what He has asked of me. I homeschool a child who is very difficult to teach. I homeschooled another who was the same way. I homeschooled the middle two when it became clear that their bright minds and love of learning was being squelched. I have given the desire for a new vehicle to God and today even found myself thanking Him for the old van I drive. I stay home as much as possible so as not to spend money we shouldn't. I prepare meals--a chore I am not very fond of at all. Why, then, has God still forsaken us in this area? Why do we never have enough to cover the things that need to be paid? To buy groceries? To get birthday gifts or Christmas gifts? To cover the cost of school fees for activities? Why has God chosen to make us miserable in this area over and over again? Could he possibly be telling me that I shouldn't be homeschooling this daughter? Should she be in school and I at a job? How would that even work then? I am frustrated beyond all belief. I feel abandoned by God, yet somewhere deep within me I know that is just a feeling and should not be trusted. I feel so alone as well...I cannot give into these feelings.

reminder?

2009-11-10T14:35:00.002-06:00

Lord,
Remind me again why I homeschool? I truly believe for this child you have called me to do this. She struggles to learn, Lord, and I am afraid if I put her in public school she would be one of those students who fall through the cracks...not "bad" enough to attract the attention of a teacher but not "good" enough to get the grades she desperately wants to get.

I also am inclined to think that she would become like those around her to gain favor with her peers. I have seen this even at home with the few friends she has had. Sometimes, her social pendulum swings entirely in the opposite direction and she refuses to be sympathetic to activities that her friends wish to do, even those activities which are acceptable. She certainly likes her own space quite often.

I enjoy those days when she is into what we are learning or discussing. I remember fondly the day we walked to Holiday and talked the entire way there and back about modest dress and modest living that pleases You. On that day, my heart was overflowing with joy that she is home to have those conversations and that I am the one to influence those decisions.

But other days, Lord, like yesterday and today, when the tears flow or the attitude kicks in, I wonder if I am doing the right thing. She is easily frustrated, especially with math and the Algebra 1 we are trying to work through right now. In my heart I too sometimes wonder why we spend our time on this subject. I doubt she will ever use it unless she decides to homeschool her own children someday. By then, her brain will be more developed and chances are she will "get it". That is what happened to me. I struggled with Algebra in high school and never used it again until we were called by You to homeschool. First, Mr. Gameboy, the following year Miss Bookworm herself and then Miss Musicwriter and Mr. Well Rounded. I have taught Algebra 3 times now and am attempting to plow through it this year for the last time.

But this is taxing, Lord. The tears and the frustration and the shutting down really get to me. I love her, Lord. I know she is a blessing from you. But Homeschooling is difficult most days.

I guess your ministry was difficult most days as well though. Crowds followed you everywhere and one day they loved you; the next day they turned on you. That is how I sometimes feel, Lord...like I am being turned against by my child. If You can suffer for your calling, then I can suffer for mine as well. At least mine will not end in an agonizing death--at least I don't think it will!

Thank you Lord, for speaking to me as I type this letter to you. Thank you for the reminder in my spirit that Miss Bookworm is a gift from you and that You have a perfect plan for her life. I don't know how homeschooling and Algebra fit into your plan, Lord, but I am called to continue this journey we started 6 years ago. Forgive me for relying on my own strength to see me through and help me to rely on yours alone.

Simple Woman's Daybook

2009-11-09T07:49:00.003-06:00

November 9th
FOR TODAY... from Becky's Daybook

Outside my window... a chilly but sunny autumn morning

I am thinking... how much I miss my sweet daughter away at college

I am thankful for... a new week and feelings mended after an issue last evening

I am wearing... jeans, t-shirt and zip up jacket...am really feeling God nudging my heart in this area but I am definitely confused

I am remembering... Thanksgiving days from my childhood and the sweet, sweet memories they bring

I am going... to pick Miss Bookworm up from choir soon and then to her voice lesson this afternoon; maybe the health food store to search for natural remedies to Mr. Well Rounded's acne issue that is really getting to him.

I am reading... my Bible (Psalms at the moment); The Shaker's Cookbook; Set Apart Femininity; A Call to Die 40 day study

I am hoping... to start a walking program today

On my mind... the families of 4 caringbridge sites I follow whose dear children have lost their battles with cancer

From the learning rooms... frustration as I desperately ask God how to school this very different youngest child

Noticing that... there wasn't much color to autumn this year

Pondering these words... none specific right now...lots of thoughts in my head today

From the kitchen... another frustrating area for me...seems no matter what I plan or make someone complains or plans change and it doesn't work.

Around the house... finishing laundry from the weekend

One of my favorite things~ the peace of the mornings when the two are gone to school..even if only for 90 minutes until one comes home

From my picture journal...Mr Well Rounded and Miss Bookworm the day they were baptized

For more daybooks visit Peggy at www.thesimplewoman.blogspot.com

Three down--one to go

2009-10-28T18:55:00.003-05:00

Today my little boy became an officially licensed driver. It hit me after I let him take the car for his first solo drive that this has been a year of changes. Miss Musicwriter got her license in April, went off to college in August and Mr. Well Rounded got his license today. No wonder I feel so stressed. Lots of changes this year, and, if you have read any of my previous entries, I am not a fan of change and tend to not handle it well. Regardless, though, they come. It was not as difficult letting him drive solo as it was when Mr. Gameboy got his license. I remember being so scared that he would get into an accident. While I still worry, it is a mother's privilege I tell them, I now realize that all my worry does not have any affect on what happens. God is ultimately the One in control and it was nice tonight being able to spend the evening at home instead of having to drive and pick up from church. Miss Bookworm has been chomping at the bit for me to let her drive. I look at her and know that her time will be here all too soon. But for now, though, I try to keep her young enough to still need me...young enough to be home with me. For when her day comes to get a license, my role diminishes to almost nill. I am definitely NOT looking forward to that! Regardless, congratulations Mr. Well Rounded. Be careful and know I love you!

goodbyes are hard

2009-10-27T19:28:00.004-05:00

Miss Musicwriter went back to college tonight. She had been home since last Friday night. I can't begin to put in words how nice it was to have all the chicks in the nest once again if even for a short time. I knew I would be sad when the time came to drop her off at the carpool that would take her back to campus, away from me once again. Four weeks and a day and Thanksgiving break will be here and I will get to see her again. What is so bothersome to me is I spent so much of her youngest years wishing for the next stage: I can't wait until she sleeps through the night, I can't wait until she walks by herself, I can't wait until she can ride a bike, I can't wait until she goes to school, I can't wait...the list goes on. Suddenly, all my can't waits came true and I find myself wishing for so many of those days back. But it is not possible to reverse the passage of time. I cherish those memories of her youth and attempt to accept that change is inevitable and growing up has to take place. Then I thank God for allowing me to have her, for making her my best friend, and for the fact that she is able to attend college at all. I have much to be thankful for I know. Yet, I still can't help but start a countdown of days until she comes home again!

reaping

2009-10-26T17:04:00.003-05:00

There is so much going on in my life right now. I am feeling the need to step back...to pull away from life for a bit and to organize my thoughts and priorities. Unfortunately, I cannot do this. I still have a family who cannot function on their own. I don't get this. I am my parents' youngest child. By the time I was fourtenn, the age of my youngest child now, I was able to do things for myself. I did not need reminding to do homework and actually turn it in, to fix a lunch if I was hungry, or the host of other things it seems my children cannot do for themselves. In fact, the most dependent soul my mom had to deal with was my dad. He was, it seemed, unable to do the easiest things for himself. My husband is a lot like this as well, but I have the addition of 3 kids (Miss Musicwriter is away at college), a dog and a cat. Sometimes the demands on me get so overwhelming, especially when someone needs to yell at someone else and I am always the one chosen...regardless if I had anything to do with it or not. At times like this, and this is one of them, discouragement runs very high. I want so badly to run away and just be by myself for a while. Oh, but I cannot. I need to stay and tend to this dependent group that I have created. Maybe that is what is really bothering me---I have created this mess myself by indulging them their whole lives. I guess I am reaping what I have sown in many ways. In the meantime, I count my blessings that they are healthy and intelligent enough to someday learn that it isn't all about them...yes, even my husband could stand to learn this lesson. Soon, I hope. I never said patience was my gift.

mediocrity

2009-10-14T17:00:00.002-05:00

As I spend more time reflecting on things of God and looking around me for examples of Him, I am finding myself bothered more and more with the mediocrity of Christians around me. As my eyes are opened to the world around me and I see how Christians, especially young people, are acting, dressing, talking and striving to fit in with their non-Christian peers, I find myself getting more and more frustrated with the mediocre and lukewarm attitudes and actions that pervade the Christian community today. One book I highly recommend is Crazy Love by Francis Chan. This book was the catalyst that began to open my eyes to the laid back lifestyle that Christians today live. I am on a search for a different life--a life truly set apart for God. What will that radical change look like in my life? I am not sure myself yet, but I know that God has me on a canvas and he is transforming the picture even as I type. I am excited to see the finished portrait!

blogging again

2009-10-13T08:46:00.003-05:00

It has been a very busy fall season, but for the most part I have enjoyed it. I was feeling a little apple deprived since we haven't had much money to spend on such things. Then, a friend of mine told me of a friend she has who has apple trees on her property. She was willing to allow us to pick as many as we wanted for free. Beth, another friend of hers and myself spent a couple hours on a beautiful fall afternoon picking lots of apples. I estimate I got about 4 bushels of apples...maybe more. Miss Bookworm and I have spent a few days turning many of them into applesauce and I have also frozen 4 pies to bake later in the winter when fresh apples are unavailable. A dear friend of mine had a health scare this past week. I am so thankful to God for sparing her life. She is now home after some brain surgery and is doing amazingly well. Praise God for that! Our vehicke woes continue. We just had to put four tires on the car after Dave blew a tire one night coming home. Now, the brakes are squealing on the van...no, not just squealing, grinding loudly. My dear freind above has a husband who is mechanically inclined and he is going to look at it for us today. Again, an answer to prayer. I am starting to see that God is everywhere around me. I have always focused on the problems instead of on God and with His help, I am trying to change that. I have so much to be thankful for and I am ashamed that for so long I have taken these things for granted and whined like a spoiled brat. Forgive me Lord. In this, my favorite time of year, I plan to focus on the good things I have in my life and strive to build treasures in heaven.

Drivers, start your engines!

2009-09-16T11:55:00.002-05:00

No, not race car driving...life racing! It seems like every year by late July I am so ready for school to start. I guess I forget how extremely crazy these days get with all the driving back and forth to various places. I do enjoy fall and the cooler weather and especially apple season, but I am not a big fan of the driving kids to and from school, church, activities and the like. I catch myself thinking that in _________ number of years I will not have kids to transport, or subjects to teach, or asmuch laundry to do, or whatever the activity/chore may be. I know I will miss these days...I already find myself wishing back those busy, high energy days gone by. Last evening, Mr. Accountant and I went to an apple orchard. There are very few orchards in our area of this state that grow Macintosh apples. These apples happen to be the favorite of everyone in this house. This particular orchard is one we frequented every weekend when our kids were all under 12 years old. I remember playing on the hay stack, taking a wagon ride, walking the wooded trail, picking apples and buying cool things from the store and snack barn. I always wanted to live in a setting like that. We stopped patronizing this orchard when they began charging simply to walk onto the grounds. While we certainly expected to pay for merchandise, fruit and wagon rides, we disagreed with paying just to walk around a trail or play on the hay, especially since we always bought something while we were there. They currently charge only on the weekends so last night we made the drive there to get freshly picked Macintosh apples, compliments of Mr. Gameboy. The memories flooded as soon as we made the turn onto the country road and into the property. Strangely, though, the haystack didn't look as big as it did years ago, the trail seemed more full of mosquitos then fun, and we probably would have looked ridiculous climbing onto a hay wagon for a ride. Time has a way of changing things that once were so familiar, but my memories are always the same...boys and girls in jeans and workboots, climbing a haystack and daring mommy to throw them off. Now, Miss Musicwriter is not even living at home, and while she loves her dorm room, I miss her tremendously. Mr. Gameboy works two jobs and has no time for hay climbing. Mr. Well Rounded is busier than I can keep up with and lately has also been quite moody and disrespectful. Miss Bookworm, well, she has grown up beyond going anywhere with us that doesn't involve taking her to a friend's house. Yet, despite the fact that all of them have grown, they still expect so much of me. I guess it is what the role of mom is made of. Now, off to work on school subjects with Miss Bookworm before taking her back to the high school for musical auditions...then pick her and Mr. Well Rounded up for a quick dinner and then to church for youth group. Let the race begin.

curve balls and other flying objects

2009-09-14T15:44:00.002-05:00

The injection went well. As I thought, it was not as painful as the last set but nonetheless, it triggered some back pain during the actual injection which was somewhat distressing. The spinal headache that hit afterwards was awful as well as the electric type shock pain down my right hip. The facial flushing that hit the next day was embarrassing but not painful. All in all, though, it was bearable. The jury is still out as to if it helped or not. I fill out a weekly response form on Thursday. Saturday and Sunday I felt like it may actually help but then last night when I got into bed, I was inpain again. Today has been off and on pain wise. Of course, the physical back pain would be more welcome then the financial pain that hit today...the curve ball. Long story short is that we have $95 for the next two weeks to live on after a garnishment hit Mr. Accountant's paycheck today as well as some overdraft fees we messed up on. I am sick of living this life like this andknow that we need to make changes. I am willing to do so...it is he and the offspring who are not quite so ready. Our kids want to live like a two income family when we are not that. It is going to mean serious cutbacks which no one is going to be happy about, especially Mr. Well Rounded who thinks he should get to do all he wants to do and not have a job because he is too busy. He is busy and I agree that most places would probably not work around his schedule...but then he has to settle for not being involved in everything under the sun. It hurts to tell him that though. As a parent I want to give him these things and let him be a kid. But it just isn't possible. I hate that, especially when others seem to get everything without any issues. Oh well, I have shed my quota of tears for today. Unemployment this year and getting Miss Musicwriter off to college really took a toll on our finances and now we pay a high price. Again.

Tomorrow is the day

2009-09-09T13:40:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is the day I get my epidural steroid injection. The actual procedure doesn't sound as bad as the last diagnostic procedure I went through...not as many needle pokes at least. I am nervous for sure. I just wish there was a fix for my back. There is not, though. Joint damage is not repairable, especially once arthritis has set in. The more I think about it, though, the more I realize I can live with this. It is just pain, and while pain is not something I enjoy (I am not one of those people!), it is something I can lean on God to help me with. There are some things that I have realized, would be much worse. Losing one of my children would be much more devastating than living with pain; losing my husband would as well. Losing my freedom to homeschool Miss Bookworm would be unbearable to me. Losing the awesome relationship I have with Miss Musicwriter even while she is away at college would be much more painful than a bad back. Having Mr. Well Rounded turn his back on God would devastate me. Losing the freedom to pray and read my Bible would be a horrendous experience. Yes, I would say I am pretty lucky actually--lucky to live (for now at least) in a country where I am free to worship, pray, read and memorize God's word, homeschool and live simply on one income. Thank you God for placing me in this country, in this place for such a time as this.

no better

2009-09-03T19:47:00.002-05:00

The aforementioned injections were painful...pain second only to that of childbirth for me. I have had several severe lacerations, a few broken bones, sprains and the like but these injections were excruciating. The frustrating thing now is that the diagnostic injections I received did not give the results the doctor had hoped for so I do not qualify for the next step he wanted to take. Part of that does not bother me at all...the next step involved burning the nerve endings in my back so my brain would not get the pain message. This just sounds like something that should not be done. Instead, the doctor wants to go forward with an epidural steroid injection. This may give me 3 months of pain relief when I will need to have another. The cycle continues basically the rest of my life. I really do not consider this a solution. I do not have the time, every 3 months, to go in for injections and then rest 12-24 hours afterwards. I cannot drive for this procedure either, which also poses a problem. My husband is not able (or maybe willing) to take off for this. That means I need to rely on a friend since my daughter is now off living in her dorm at college and my son works daily at the apple orchard. I also homeschool Miss Bookworm and cannot afford to lose days to resting from an injection that may or may not help anyway. Frustration is building with this back issue. Pain is constant and getting worse and there is basically no cure for the joint damage. That in itself is hard enough but moving Miss Musicwriter to college has also got me down. I miss her SO much...I feel like I lost my best friend. She is loving it though and for that I am thankful.

fear

2009-08-23T21:23:00.002-05:00

Tonight I am scared...and nervous. Tomorrow afternoon I will be visiting the back institute and getting injections in my lower back. These will determine if I am a candidate for the next step procedure which entails the burning of the nerve endings so I no longer feel the pain that will still be occurring in my back. I am not a fan of needles and am admittedly scared to death. To add to my stress, Mr. Auditor cannot go with me due to a conference he needs to be at. Thankfully, my wonderful daughter, Miss Musicwriter, will be going. But still, I wish my husband was coming as well. I tend to try to be strong for my kids and it will be difficult to be so if I am in great pain. I will be glad when this is over with.

Five Days at the County Fair

2009-08-15T22:12:00.002-05:00

Weather: Wednesday--sunny, hot and humid with temperatures at 89*
Thursday--sunny, hot and humid with temperatures at 90*
Friday--sunny, hot and humid with temperatures at 94*
Saturday--cloudy and pouring down rain with the same expected on Sunday
Five days at the county fair left me, the Queen of hate the heat, wondering if maybe heat is better than rain! Of course I am joking...I would much rather rain than dreadful, dead, hot air. None of the buildings at the county fair are air conditioned except for the 4-H foodstand, and in there, with the grills going all the time, you can't feel the air conditioning at all. At least any building will give shelter from rain. Regardless of the weather, though, the county fair has been fun--exhausting, but fun. Miss Bookworm is performing in the 4-H county fair arts in. The theme this year is 4-H on Broadway. She has had a ton of fun and I am so proud of her for participating. Her participation required an overnight stay at the fairgrounds last weekend. She knew no one else who was in the show, yet she signed up and went on her own. For her, that is a huge step! She also auditioned for several parts, including the lead. She did not get the lead, but she did get a duet with another girl. They sing "Sisters" from the movie "White Christmas". All together they will perform the show 12 times in the 5 day run of the fair. In between shows, I have thoroughly enjoyed spending time with the animals who are there. I have loved and spent time with goats, sheep, rabbits, horses, llamas, donkeys, a baby zebra (yes, a zebra!), deer, a wallaby, calves and chickens. The sheep and goats are my favorite of course, but a friend of ours has a horse there named Candy who I am quite partial to as well. Although I believe I may have gained 10 pounds this week, I wouldn't trade the days there for anything. My heart swells with pride when I see Miss Bookworm on stage loving that element and spending time with her has been so nice. We are so very different--Miss Musicwriter and myself are quite similar--so I sometimes wonder if she knows how much I love her. All in all I am exhausted, sore, and extremely proud all at the same time.

What a day of rejoicing!

2009-08-09T19:19:00.002-05:00

Today my two youngest children, Mr. Well Rounded and Miss Bookowrm, were baptized in the local lake. It was a step they both felt called to do after spending a week at Lone Tree Bible Ranch in Wyoming. This camp was not cheap, especially for a family whose sole breadwinner was out of work for four moths this year. To send one student would have been difficult enough--to send both seemed imnpossible. Yet, with a little bit of fundraising and a lot of prayer, we came up with the almost $1000 to send two kids to camp. It was worth every cent we paid! The kids came back excited for their walk with God, cemented in their relationship with Him and a willingness to follow wherever God might lead them. This included the waters of baptism in the lake. For Mr. Well Rounded it also led to a final decision on hs future. For a few years he has felt that God was leading him to teach somehow. He assumed that meant being a high school english teacher. After Lone Tree he believes that God has made it clear--his calling is to be a pastor. After the many hurts to my heart, this news came as a welcome salve. He is looking into colleges and, for now, has narrowed it down to two--Moody Bible Institute and Northwestern College in St. Paul. This has truly been a day of rejoicing!

The joys of motherhood

2009-07-28T22:06:00.004-05:00

Is motherhood a joy? I have pondered this question the last few days as I have watched moms with little children play in the park by the lake. These children laugh and giggle as mommy chases them through the playground equipment but cannot catch them because she is too big to fit in the tunnels. It certainly appears to be a joy. But what does the future hold? That child will continue to grow and in the blink of an eye will soon have friends who are suddenly more important to be around then mom. Soon that child will have a driver's license and will be baffled as to why mom is worried when she is 20 minutes late for curfew. That child will graduate high school and maybe choose a college where she will move and live most of the year. A roommate as well as all new experiences will be had by her as she begins a new chapter of her life. Eventually that child may marry and start her own family and mom will be someone she calls for advice or when she has the time to chat. In between all these experiences and changes will come joys for sure...the joy of watching her graduate, walk down the aisle, be a mom. There will also be hurts...these are unavoidable as she tests her wings. When your child hurts, a momma's heart hurts as well. I have experienced this cruel reality especially these past two weeks. To be a mom is to wear your heart on your sleeve and allow the risk of it being stabbed. I don't always like this part of motherhood. Many times my heart has been stabbed yet I keep it out there out of love for my kids. When all is said and done, I wouldn't trade the joys of motherhood just to miss out on the hurts. It would be like chopping down a rose bush because it had thorns. I will continue to enjoy my children even when they are no longer children and deal with the hurts that come along with their mistakes and failures.

Crazy summertime

2009-07-23T22:36:00.002-05:00

Wow. Summer is more than half over for us. I can't say that I am sad. I am ready to get back to routine and get Miss Bookworm back into a routine as well. The biggest issue, as usual in July/August, is where the money is going to come from to get the homeschooling stuff we need. I pretty much have my list of what materials we are going to use. Miss Bookworm will be home for all subjects but choir the first two quarters. She will be going to choir first block at the high school every other day. The second semester she will continue choir and add Stage Acting I and II to her schedule. I think this will be a nice reintroduction to school...non-academic classes and something she is very interested in. Having her at school for two blocks will take a huge chunck out of our day so we will need to be very disciplined in the beginning of the year to not get behind (like we did last year). The beginning of the year will be so different this year as Mr. Well Rounded has announced that he will not be playing varsity soccer. This season usually starts in mid-August with 4 hour morning practices. I have driven someone to "hell weeks" (the first two weeks of practice) for the last 5 years. This August I will not have to. He is planning on doing the fall musical at school (we do not know what it will be yet) and he doesn't want soccer to deter him from getting a good part. I believe he is also just tired of the politics and boys he plays with. Also making for a strange fall will be Miss Musicwriter's departure for college. She moves into her dorm August 30th. She is very excited to get there and start a new chapter in her life. I can't say as I blame her with the way her so-called friends have treated her this summer. She is ready to be done with the immaturity of these and meet some new friends in college. Mr. Gameboy will be working at the apple orchard again. He loves working there and will continue his other job at Target as well. Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same.

counting blessings...again

2009-07-05T21:46:00.002-05:00

---When upon life billows you are tempest tossed...

Yeah, life can be a tempest for sure.

---When you are discouraged thinking all is lost...

Hmmm, can definitely say I have been there.

---Count your many blessings every doubt will fly...

Well, maybe not every doubt but it certainly is something I am learning these days. Counting my blessings is not always easy. Sometimes I tend to lose sight of what should be considered blessings. I think of the material things I don't have and think I am missing out on blessings. The reality is I am blessed. Right now a dear friend's husband is in the hospital for at least the 8th time in the last year. Last summer he almost died in surgery. Since then, he has had complication after complication. Yesterday he had to be taken back to the emergency room. No matter what they give him, something keeps recurring causing high fevers and other unpleasant things. Regardless, this family has been through a lot in the last year or so. Discouragement is setting in and they are wondering if there is healing in sight for him this side of heaven. When I am tempted to whine about a vehicle that is less than wonderful or an unexpected duty that arises with one of my four teens, I instead pray for my friend and his family. I know God uses all things for His glory. I also know that He is the ultimate Physician. I will continue to count my blessings as well as continue to pray for those who are hurting or in pain or are facing difficult circumstances.

Was I one of the lunatics?

2009-06-28T08:13:00.002-05:00

I spent a good part of yesterday watching young people, ranging in age from 13-17, play soccer. None of my own children were participating. Although my daughter's team was playing, she was at a parade with marching band. My husband was reffing this tournament and was scheduled non-stop on games from 8-6. In between sitting in the car, driving around the area, and spending time in the hotel we were planning to stay at, I caught a good part of several games. Now, I have been a "soccermom" since my now 19 year old son was 5. Three out of my four children have been serious soccer players with the fourth participating recreationally for a few years. I have coached many of their teams over the years as well. I played soccer through my freshmen year of college when a combination of injury and classes forced me to stop. All this to say that I at one time had a passion for this game...did you catch that? Game. It IS a GAME. Games are supposed to be fun. When I was small, my brother and I would play a game when we were bored on a winter afternoon. We did this to have fun. Whether it wasa long game of Monopoly or a shorter game of Life, we enjoyed this pasttime. The word game in and of itself has the connotation of something that is done for fun. My time at the field yesterday, though, saw little fun being had.I saw boys and girls with faces that held looks ready to kill. I heard 17 year old boys whining to a referee that something done to them was grossly unfair and should have been called. I saw girls shoving other girls in the back in order to take the ball away. I saw deliberate trips and heard lots of language that if I had used at those ages would have abruptly earned me a soapy mouth. But the players were not the only ones carrying on. Parents on the sidelines were shouting as ten year olds might when fighting about whose dad is stronger. Adults yeling at referees about a perceived foul; adults yelling at their kids to play harder; adults encouraging retaliation since "the jerk isn't calling anything anyways". I wonder--in the prime of my motherhood years, when my children were younger and playing competitively, did I sound like this? My fear is I did. I am, afterall, a very competitive person. I perceive fairness and its opposite and I take it very seriously. I was also young. Now that I am older and, I believe, wiser, I realize that these matches are simply a game--a game that promotes exercise and teamwork and should promote respect for others regardless of the outcome at the end. I think this lesson has been lost over the years. Clubs are pushing PACT training. This is Parents And Coaches Together. This is supposed to help teach the PARENTS how to behave on the sidelines. I don't ever remember my parents needing to attend such a session to teach them how to behave like adults. If my team won, I was congratulated by my dad. If we lost, I was told it is only a game and there will be many more. My dad did not try to sign me up for camps and spend lots of money on training. Afterall, it was just a game, something I did because I loved it and had fun doing it. I fear the fun has been taken out of youth sports. Now there is pressure to be better to earn the coveted--and rare--sports scholarship. I feel badly that I may have been one of those parents who put too much emphasis on the outcome and not enough on just having fun. No wonder teens are dropping out of sports and activities. Adults have taken the fun of the game away from them.

He made it!!!

2009-05-29T07:51:00.003-05:00

HE MADE IT!!

Last week Mr. Well Rounded auditioned for the highest choir in his high school. It is a VERY selective group made up of only juniors and seniors. As far as males are concerned, they are losing 6 seniors with one current junior remaining; but, at least 10 males of varying voices tried out for those 6 spots. He had a feeling he would not make it since he splits his time between choir and band...the director kind of told him that although he has been one of his most serious students this year, he was always playing catch-up because he had to be in band every other day. We told him he could quit band (although we just bought the new wooden clarinet last year!) but he doesn't want to. He joined choir this year because he did not like the varsity band director, but next year for concert band, he will once again have an amazing conductor. What he wasn't counting on, though, was how much he would end up enjoying choir. He even asked for summer vocal lessons to help continue his growth.

Going to school this morning, he was nervous. The call back list would be posted sometime today. The director said if you are on that list, you made a group (there are two groups for females). He texted me a few minutes ago to tell me he made it! I am so happy for him. I see how hard he is working and how much he wanted this. I also know God has gifted him with a beautiful voice. He already leads worship for both middle and high school youth groups. I am so thankful he sees his talent as a gift from God and is using it to His glory. Am I a proud momma right now? You betcha!

Everyday life once again

2009-05-20T15:48:00.002-05:00

It has certainly been a strange springtime here in Minnesota. I am concerned that our severe lack of rain will adversely affect the apple crop this fall. That will be bad for Mr. Gameboy's annual job at the apple orchard. Last year, his season did not end until mid-November. The year before that he as done the second week of October. This is shaping up to be an October-ending season. Yesterday's high was 97* and today so far it is 95*. Way too hot for May. The wind is ridiculous as well today. Gusts have been 50 mph. Miss Bookworm and I spent some time at the lake today. The waves were amazing! I am close to finishing Do Hard Things by the Harris twins. I am trying to figure out a way to get the kids to read this book over the summer. There are so many gems in that book. Beyond this, life has been just orinary and busy. I like this for a change. Our young friend has been staying at home as far as I know. He is back to riding the bus to school which has made Mr. Well Rounded very happy because he is now able to drive to school in the morning again. It is nice to have things back to "normal" around here. School is done for Miss Bookworm and me and only 10 more schooldays for Mr. Well Rounded. I am ready for summer break to start for all of us. A scattered post for sure but for once it is nice to only blog about everyday things and not problems or catastrophes.

revelations

2009-05-07T14:01:00.002-05:00

No, not the book of the Bible Revelations...a small "r" on purpose. I have had some revelations today. It is a gorgeous spring day in Central Minnesota today. As I type this entry, it is 75*, sunny with a few clouds, and breezy. The breeze is keeping the house cool enough to bake chocolate chip cookies this afternoon. I sat outside on the deck today to eat my lunch of last night's leftovers. There was a red-headed woodpecker in the tree making a beautiful racket, a red winged blackbird sitting on the dog kennel singing beautifully, and a chipmunk scurrying about collecting food the squirrels had dropped. For just a short while, I didn't hear the traffic out front, or trains going by or Zach's music playing from inside the house. I was lost in nature. I thought how awesome God had made this world for us and how little we often stop to take it all in. Then I thought of the last few days with Mr. Well Rounded's friend. The stress, worry, anxiety tried to break through again. That is when I had my revelation. If it were not for the things in this life that bother, hurt, worry, stress, and all out tax me, I would easily fall in love with this world. I would easily seek to gather all the "stuff" I could so I could be like others in my life--drive a nice vehicle, wear name brand clothes, eat out most nights for dinner, buy my kids the things they want but do not necessarily need--all things even many of my Christian friends around me do. How often have I heard the lament from my oldest daughter that someone's parent bought THEM a car...why won't you buy me one? I know if I could I would buy her a nicer one than someone else had just so she would look as good as others, but what would that be teaching her-- to fall in love with the things of this world. When we die or Christ returns, whichever comes first, those things will be left behind for the looters to take. They will not be necessary in our real home. Perhaps this is why God sends trials and troubles into our lives...to keep us from falling in love with this temporary dwelling. So, while I am here, I will try to enjoy the gifts given to me...those that cost money as well as those that are free from God--birds, waterfalls, flowers, growing vegetables, rain, sun--and remember that even better things await me when I reach my final destination.

a better night

2009-05-06T08:43:00.002-05:00

Thankfully, last night was a much better night than the previous one. Mr. Well Rounded is exhausted for sure, but there wasn't any arguing or talking about death as there had been. His mom is supposed to come home today. I know the young man is not looking forward to going home--he told that to both Mr. Well Rounded and Miss Musicwriter, but I know his mom will be happy to see him. I think it will be the first time Mr. Well Rounded has slept in his own room in quite some time. While his friend is here, they sleep in our family room. I know God cares abdout this young man and I know He has a plan for his life. If he did not, He would not have created him. I am not sure where we fit into that plan except to be a support system for him. In doing that, though, I need to watch the emotional health of my own son. That is the line I am having trouble walking. How do I protect my own son without turning my back on this young man? I pray God shows me the way.

demons in a life

2009-05-05T10:17:00.003-05:00

Life has been a difficult row to hoe the last few months. My 16 year old son's friend has been staying with us on and off because of problems at home. If this were the extent of it, I would be just fine. Adding one more teen to the mix in this house would be nothing to me. The issue is, it isn't just adding a teen whose home life stinks; this boy has some serious issues he brings with him. He is convinced that there is a demon telling him to kill himself. Apparently, the demon has now told him if he doesn't take his own life, the demon will kill 4 of his friends (my son being one of them). Now, I believe in the existence of demons. Jesus dealt with demons in the New Testament and I believe Satan uses his demons to attack Christians today. I also believe, though, that Jesus is more powerful than any demon we may encounter. Last night, as I tried to explain this to this young man (who is a child of God) my heart was breaking for his pain. He just isn't thinking straight and does not see any hope for his future. He has seen a Dr as recent as last week. The Dr held him in the hospital for a few hours on suicide watch and then released him...no medications. I was appalled at the level of his depression that he was not put on medicine. My son is overwhelmed at this point. He did not know how deep this was going to get when he got involved. He was crying last night as well saying he couldn;t take this anymore. I need to watch out for my own son but cannot turn my back on this young man either. I am riding an emotional roller coaster that is a living hell. I want to get off but the ride won't stop. I have prayed and prayed for deliverance for this young man but so far to no avail. One minute he seems happy and fine--the next minute he is ready to take his life. His moods are unpredictable and although he has always been honest and respectful with my husband and me, it is wearing me down. I have used all resources that I know of and so far have come up empty. This seems so unfair yet I know God has a plan. I continue to trust, even if that trust is weak right now.

a journey with depression

2009-04-23T08:05:00.004-05:00

I think I am finally over this last bout of depression. This one was tough, very tough. There were times I seriously wondered if I would make it through. Depression is my thorn. It has been a friend of mine since I was a teenager. It is a friend I never asked for nor wanted but it kept my acquaintance anyway. Through the years, I have tried many things to rid my life of this thorn. Alcohol was expensive and did not work--oh, I felt amazing when I was full of that spirit, but once the spirits wore off, I was back to feeling depressed. And it hurt my family. Suicide, obviously since I am still here, didn't work. All that did was land me in an ambulance to a hospital. It also hurt my family. Various medications have worked on and off but the side effects are not desirable to me. What finally did help was the one Spirit who I ignored for much of my life. Once He got a hold of me, I started to learn a bit about the ways of the devil and how the devil uses discouragement to eat away at me. I allowed him to do this for so long. I still battle this thorn, and some battles are more intense than others. This last one lasted about 8 days and was intense, yet, I knew I would be okay. Deep down I knew I would come out the other side. I did. Sometimes I didn't want to, but God had other plans. My continued prayer is that this thorn would be removed from me, but if that is not to be, then the prayer becomes that I would be given the grace to deal with it as it rears its ugly head. God told Isaiah that He would be with the Israelites when they walked THROUGH the water..they would not drown, and when they walked THROUGH the fire they would not get burned. Depression is my water and my fire and I trust God that I will not drown or burn in the midst of it, but that He will see me safely to the other side.

Simple Woman's Daybook

2009-04-06T12:31:00.002-05:00

For Today... April 6th

Outside my window... sunshine but a cold wind making the windchill 28*

I am thinking... about the last few months of school and what needs to be accomplished

From the learning rooms... geometry; The Great Depression; the human body; research paper

I am thankful for... sunshine and the time to bake today

From the kitchen... baking cookies; not sure about dinner yet

I am wearing... jeans; tennis shoes; warm NIU hoodie

I am reading... Godless by Ann Coulter; a good read but needs to be read slowly

I am hoping... the seeds we planted indoors today will sprout

I am creating... a comfy home for my family

I am hearing... Miss Bookworm rocking waiting for me to finish up on the computer

Around the house... laundry as always; kitchen duty; could use a vacuuming too

One of my favorite things... accomplishing schoolwork without tears

A few plans for the rest of the week... driving to and from play rehearsal for Mr Well Rounded; Jerusalem marketplace at church this week

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you...

Cute kittens make me warm inside!

time away

2009-04-03T15:29:00.002-05:00

I am back from a time away, not only from the computer but also from home. I was treated by Mr. Gameboy to 6 days in my hometown visiting my mom and others who I have not seen in a long while.

He enjoyed seeing those places he barely remembers since moving to the midwest. We had a beautiful day at Niagara Falls. When I was younger I spent much time there with friends/boyfriends walking the paths and listening to the roar of the water. On a hot day, nothing was better than walking the shaded path to Three Sisters Island and dipping your foot in the coolness of the shallow, calm water, that, just a few yards farther down, would turn into raging and dangerous rapids. The water spray would blow in the wind and cool our faces as well. Wonderful memories came flooding back as we walked that nice day!

I spent some time with my nephew and sister in law (who is now divorced from my brother) and Mr. Gameboy and he got along so well despite a 6 year age difference.

I saw an old friend who hadn't seen Mr. Gameboy since he was a bald baby and toddler.

I saw my dad's brother and his wife. He looks so much like my father it tugged at my heartstrings and I fought back tears.

I saw cousins I had not seen since my dad passed away and who had never met Mr. Gameboy (I was not able to take the kids with me when dad passed away).

Mom treated us to wonderful food choices, the likes of which we do not have in this area. Pizza and chicken wings can't be beat from that area! Ice cream was delightful and a treat as well, especially for Mr. Gameboy, the ice cream fiend!

I spent Sunday at mom's church where the pastor is a childhood friend of mine (the one my mom secretly wished I would marry!). I never would have guessed he would be a pastor someday!

Mr. Gameboy found an admirer in a senior lady in mom's building who just adored him. She is so lonely and welcomed our company whenever we could get down to visit her.

Of course, like all things, it wasn't all roses. There is the family stuff to deal with in respect to my brothers. One I did sit and talk to although I am saddened by how he chooses to live his life. Mr. Gameboy and I had a talk about that and how God wants us to live even when we are adults. This particular brother has not grown up yet and it is hurting his son so much.

The other brother refuses to acknowledge I am alive. That's okay. I can live with that. Mom can't though. She wants harmony and refuses to see that most likely harmony won't happen this side of heaven.

We visited dad's grave. That was the first time I had been there. It was difficult but I know he is in a better place and not in that ground.

I was very sick the last night there and had flight issues getting home. Sitting in an airport for 4 hours is not fun when you feel well; it is even less so when you feel awful. I was very thankful to get home into my own bed as was Mr. Gameboy.

All in all, I am glad I went. More importantly, I am glad to be back HOME...here, with my husband, Mr. Gameboy, Miss Musicwriter, Mr. Well Rounded, and Miss Bookworm, my kitty and puppy. I love all of them so much.

Caught in the middle

2009-03-17T13:57:00.002-05:00

I hate this. I hate being caught in the middle of a situation that, no matter which side I lean toward, I lose. I am trying to keep it all in perspective. I am trying to see what really matters isn't the here and now. It is difficult, though, to decide who is right. On one hand, I have a responsibility to the position I hold and to the President of the club. On the other hand, I have a dear Christian friend who has gone through more in the last 16 months than I would want to endure in my lifetime. Each are asking me to do different things. Each believe thay are justified in their requests. I see both sides and can see where both are coming from. Yet, one has to lose. Why is it cast on me to decide the loser? In ten years, none of this will make a difference. In ten years, everyone will have moved on and forgotten about the drama that is so painful and raw right now. But in the here and now, that is not seen. In the here and now, emotions are raw, anger is flared, and who is right is important. Is there a way to wriggle out of this? Perhaps an escape to the Rockies...living among the trees of the mountains...just nature and me. Aah, running away from the problem--the age old solution. But it really isn't a solution at all. I need to face this and figure out who should come out on top. Here I go---I am diving in.

change in plans

2009-03-14T10:51:00.002-05:00

Today was supposed to be all planned out. You know those times when you think one thing is going to happen, and then it doesn't? That is my today. A dear friend was supposed to come over today to teach Miss Musicwriter and myself how to sew. I have had a sewing machine sitting in my closet for at least 7 years now and I do not know how to use it, nor have I been able to figure it out on my own. Turns out, I won't be learning today either. She called this morning and is not feeling well. So, that leaves my whole day open. What I really want to do is go thrift store shopping but dh said no--we cannot spend any money right now. I understand. So, I have a whole Saturday to fill. I think I will start making a to-do list of things to fill it with. Right now I am headed to church to pick up Miss Bookworm from her confirmation retreat. Then, I see soccer paperwork in my future. We'll see though.

busy, busy, busy

2009-03-12T20:49:00.002-05:00

It seems I have been very busy lately. Many times each day I find myself too busy to talk to a friend on the phone, too busy to finish the day's school work with Miss Bookworm, too busy to plan meals for my family, too busy...you get the idea. Then, early this week, while "busy" on the computer, I realized that I wasn't really busy-- I was distracted, even bordering on lazy. Yes, I can come up with excuses like the best of them...I have pain filled nights which cause me to get little sleep so I am tired; I am the registrar for my community's travel soccer club and spring season is gearing up. I have forms to sort, data entry to complete, copies to make and all the other duties that come with my position. But I realized those were just that...excuses. I set my mind to not wasting time. I did really well up until today. Today I just felt off for some reason. It can't be the very long winter we are having--I love winter and find the new snowfall this week beautiful and exhilerating. In fact, I dread spring and summer more than anything. I still can't out my finger on what made today so difficult for me. Whatever it was, I hope it is gone tomorrow. The new job for dh starts Monday but he is going downtown tomorrow for some preliminary things. He has been home everyday for 4 months. It will be strange to have him gone everyday again yet it will also be a huge blessing. We did not get much school work accomplished while he was home and now Miss Bookworm is behind. He was quite the distraction since he was bored. Monday will be like a new year. So, looking back, I am climbing back on the wagon of using my time wisely and getting those things accomplished that God has set before me each day.

Same old, same old

2009-02-24T20:56:00.002-06:00

Our new President is on right now...I am catching most of what he is saying. I have to say I am not buying it. None of it. Our future generations (if we are here that long) will be paying for this HUGE debt that has just been added to over and over again. I personally wonder howmuch longer God will allow this country to mock Him, to ignore Him, and to disobey Him. As it was in the days of Noah, so to it will be in the end of time...men will be eating and drinking and the floods will come without warning. It could be today...I am so thankful my hope is in God and that my family will be with me in eternity. I know I will be reunited with loved ones who have gone before me...my dad in particular. Somedays I look at the sky and I wish it would happen that moment. Other days I look at the sky and I think of those who are not ready and what they will face when that day does come. It saddens me to think they have hardened their hearts so much that they cannot see the world crumbling around them nor take the time to study and see for themselves that the Bible is indeed true. Even so, Come quickly Lord Jesus!

2009-02-23T14:16:00.004-06:00

For Today...

Outside my window... very nice sunshine making it look like spring but is definitely still winter... a fresh layer of pure white snow from the weekend

From the learning rooms... completed everything but geography today without tears!

I am thankful for... the depression easing some as the day went on today

From the kitchen... trying to figure out what's for dinner tonight still...I am weary of this process even though I know it is what is best for my family; a complaint from someone regardless oif what I make

I am wearing... jeans, turtleneck, sweatshirt and boots

I am reading... Anna's science book tonight to pull out important information for notes tomorrow

I am hoping... that Dave gets a job soon and this depression lifts some; that God provides rent money for March

I am creating... nothing right now

I am hearing... soccer game Zach is currently watching

Around the house... sorting overflowing laundry hampers; cleaning up kitchen floor after the weekend

One of my favorite things... is having everyone home for an evening

A few plans for the rest of the week... court hearing on Wednesday; college audition on Saturday for Sara and the drive it will take to get there

A Picture Thought I am Sharing With You:

My sweet Moo Kitty who is getting too big!

weekend--finally

2009-02-20T17:07:00.002-06:00

For a week of not doing much, it has certainly been a long one. We actually did get a few subjects done today. Math went well with no tears or attitude today. Thanks be to God for that! Miss Bookworm struggles so much with any type of real life problems. I just don't get it...she can get the process easily if the equation is set up for her but is unable to set up an equation from a word problem. I have tried every way I know and she just doesn't get it. At least today she was willing to listen and try without tears or saying she is stupid. She is really enjoying The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe and even is enjoying discussing it and picking apart the worldview questions. I love the worldview curriculum we are doing...Starting Points by David Quine. It was slow going in the beginning of the year as we covered essentials before actually beginning literature works but it was well worth it. I already see her looking at worldview when she watches TV or sees a movie with a friend.

Miss Musicwriter is feeling better today and is out with friends tonight. I don't really like it when she is out on snowy roads but at least they stay in town. Her best friend will probably come back with her to spend the night which is always fun. She is dealing with kids in band who hate her but I am proud of how she is handling this.

Mr. Well Rounded is still coughing but has managed to make school everyday this week. He tried out for the musical and ended up getting two parts--one with a solo to sing! He is very excited since this is his first time trying out for a production. I am glad he is not running track this year. It really wiped him out last year physically and emotionally. With soccer andmarching band both starting in May, I am glad track is not in the picture!

Mr. Gameboy is off tonight--a rare occurence for a Friday night. I am sure he will spend his evening watching movies or playing the Wii! It will be a nice break for him.

I am looking forward to a relaxing weekend of meal planning, lesson planning and maybe even scrapbooking some! I need to finish my dad's memorial book. I am up to the funeral and just am not sure how to finish it in a fashion that he deserves. I want to make it just right but am not sure how. I know whatever I do my mom will love it when she sees it but I want it to be perfect.

When it rains...

2009-02-19T09:14:00.003-06:00

Times are certainly difficult. I watch what is happening in our country and I wonder how it will all turn out. Of course, I don't really need to worry about it because my God is still in control. I wouldn't call it worry--more like, concern for what we may be facing as a nation. I never used to worry about such things. I paid no mind to the news or the budget or the middle east. I just wanted to live my life, raise my kids, and retire like every other person I thought I knew. Boy, was I naive! Now I realize that all those things I paid no attention to actually do affect my family. Newsflash! The world doesn't revolve around me! I was shocked. Needless to say, it took a very unexpected event to make me realize all this. My husband's company had done layoffs through the year. He was safe. We were sure of this. Wrong. Reality hit two weeks before Thanksgiving when he called me to tell me he may be on the layoff list. If I had been wearing dentures I would have swallowed them. I couldn't believe what he was telling me. I was scared, yes, but more angry than anything. How could they do this to him? He had given them everything he had. They had promised him a wonderful future with the firm. He had accolades of praise from partners and clients alike. They didn't care. The bottom line was his department wasn't one that produces money...no sales...so he was next to go. Once the shock and extreme anger wore off (actually the anger is still there) I settled into a calm knowing he would certainly walk right into another job. He was talented in his field and dedicated. Christmas came and no job. Well, it's the holidays. People are on vacation. Besides, they paid him through the end of the year so it would be fine. January came and went with a few interviews but no job offers. Instead, the most promising ones decided that due to economic conditions they were putting hiring on hold until spring. God provided amazingly. We always had grocery money and rent--until now. March is fast approaching with still no job and now, no money in the bank. Fear grips at times. We have no health insurance. Yesterday, Miss Musicwriter was not feeling well. She slept all day after band. She got up at 8:00 pm to eat some pancakes and then went back to bed. She woke up at 10:00 throwing up blood. A trip to the emergency room (with her almost in tears for costing us money we don't have) showed nothing serious thankfully. But she shouldn't have had to be concerned. It is frustrating for sure. I assured her health comes first always and money is not an issue when it could mean life or death, but I know in the back of dh mind, there is a nagging wonder of how we will pay this huge hospital bill when it comes in. Is God in control? Yes, I believe he is. Does he care? I know he does. Am I still scared? Yes, very much so.

frustrating day

2009-02-09T10:39:00.002-06:00

It is only Monday; it is only 10:40 in the morning; it has been a horrible day. I don't understand my daughter. She wants to be homeschooled so she says but she doesn't want to do any work. She wants to be unschooled--to her that means she doesn't have to do anything. I know there are so many things she needs to learn and she has the capability to do so. She is lazy and has a serious heart problem, especially when it comes to resepect for us as her parents. I so want to give up and put her in public school. She would do well there I am sure, since they require so little of students. I know that is not the right thing, though. I am determined to persevere through this but I hope I don't destroy any chance of a relationship with her in the future.

2009-02-02T10:45:00.002-06:00

For Today...February 2, 2009

Outside my window... bright sunshine but very cold again

I am thinking... of yesterday's church service

From the learning rooms... Revolutionary War; proportions; kingdom classification

I am thankful for... painkillers for my fractured wrist

From the kitchen... steak on the grill !!

I am wearing... jeans, turtleneck, UConn sweatshirt and mocasins

I am reading... Old Schoolhouse Magazine

I am hoping... that dh gets a job very soon

I am creating... was knitting a hat but will now have to wait until said fracture heals

Around the house... laundry; kitchen clean up

One of my favorite things... Friday nights spent at home relaxing

A few plans for the rest of the week... music store today; not much the rest of the week

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you... I haven't quite figured out how to get my picture thought in this spot :(

For more daybooks..

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_dUrUa10NCDQ/SYb2IBbZdkI/AAAAAAAAB1Y/EWuDHKBfFr8/s1600-h/simple-woman-daybook-large.jpg

2009-01-26T11:58:00.003-06:00

Picture thought

Monday, January 26, 2009

The Simple Woman's Daybook~January 26th Edition
For Today... January 26, 2009

Outside my window... bright sunshine but very cold--1 degree at noon

I am thinking... about the decisions I need to make regarding schooling

From the learning rooms... unit multipliers; writing project; A Wrinkle in Time literature packet

I am thankful for... winter and its invigorating coldness!

From the kitchen... pancakes--a breakfast dinner tonight

I am wearing... blue jeans; boots; UConn sweatshirt and turtleneck

I am reading... bread baking books

I am hoping... Dave's job interview goes well today and he gets a job

I am hearing... Flinstones on TV

Around the house... laundry to finish; some picking up

One of my favorite things... having my kitty sit on my lap and purr

A few plans for the rest of the week... concert tonight for Mr. Well Rounded; orchestra tomorrow for Miss Bookworm; trip to Moorehead Thursday and Friday for Miss Musicwriter's scholarship audition

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you...

weekends

2009-01-25T20:42:00.002-06:00

I love weekends. Of course, most people do because they do not have to go to work. I do not work outside of my home and I still love weekends. There is something about knowing I can sleep in the morning and not feel guilty about it. I love having the time to work on things I enjoy like scrapbooking, blogging, and knitting. I also like the extra time I have to get things done around the house the right way. Laundry can be effectively done as well as cleaning and meal planning. I love homeschooling Miss Bookworm and being home during the weekdays but there is still something about weekends!

A Busy Day

2009-01-22T12:45:00.002-06:00

I have a short break--highly unusual for during the day-- so I thought I would write a bit. The sunshine is very beautiful today. It is rare in Minnesota that we get sun in January so when we do, it is a welcome sight. The only issue is the dog sees it and thinks spring is here! She cries to go out only to find that it is still chilly outside and then scratches to come back in. Thirty minutes later she is crying to go out again! Miss Bookworm and I have gotten almost all subject done today which, for an orchestra day is unusual. Mr. Gameboy is downstairs relaxing before he has to leave for work at 4:00. Miss Musicwriter is excited because her college books came today. She dove into the box anxious to get started. She has felt knowledge deprivation over the past week! Mr Well Rounded is at school and will be lifting weights afterwards while I take Miss Musicwriter to her saxophone lesson. I am hoping to enjoy some quiet time tonight to maybe walk on the treadmill and do some reading, praying and Bible study. I have some issues to take before God and seek his answers on.

Off to do science with Miss Bookworm right now! Blessings to any who may happen to read this!

A new Home

2009-01-21T22:06:00.002-06:00

I've had a blog for a year or so but could not figure out how to customize it to make it more me. I saw many fellow homeschoolers were blogging on this blogging site so I thought I would switch. So far I have been happy. I have been able to add some things to my blog page that I was not able to do on the other site. I hope to blog a little every day and I hope I make some friends as well. As an introduction, I will start with some information.

I am a wife and a mom first and foremost. I have been married to D for 21 years (wow--I feel old!). We are the parents of 4 wonderful teenagers. The oldest, Mr. Gameboy, is 19. He is on the autism spectrum which just makes him unique in his thinking and approach to life. We adore it most of the time!

The next oldest is Miss Musicwriter. She is 17 and a senior in high school. She is currently taking free college classes from home after spending the first half of the year in an arts high school. She plans to attend college in the fall to double major in music composition and journalism.

Number 3 is Mr. Well Rounded. He is almost 16 and a sophomore in high school. He loves soccer, singing, and reading his Bible. He is very outgoing and loves almost everyone.

The "baby" of the family is Miss Bookworm. She is 13 and in 8th grade at our sometimes crazy homeschool. By her name you can guess that she loves to read! She also loves to play her violin and clarinet and is currently teaching herself to knit on a large spool.

Mr. D is a down to earth guy who enjoys television (more than he should) and solving sodoku puzzles. He has also been spending more time reading since he has been out of work since November.

I homeschool, drive kids to activities if Mr. Gameboy is at work and cannot help with that, score ACT essays part time, and manage a household of a very busy family that also includes Miss Yogi (woof) and Miss Molly (meow). I love my job and wouldn't trade it for all the money or possessions in the world. I am currently working on serious Bible study and exploring ways to live a simpler life...something that in America is going against the grain.

Feel free to leave a comment if you happen to come across my blog. Blessings.